This is me...

Most of the posts on here have stemmed from various connections that I have made between the everyday parts of life and scripture. I often speak in metaphors and clichés to illustrate a point that was made for me. Tonight is different. Tonight, I am going to take a risk. Tonight I am just going to tell you about me. I am going to tell you what is going on in my life and how it makes me feel. More than likely it will not apply to your situation in life and it may not provide any great inspiration, but I feel the need to share it. There are some who will read this who I have no problem being vulnerable in front of and others who will simply laugh and call me weak. All I can say is that I am human and this is me:

I took off work today from my job at the police department (for some reason I think that is the first time where I have actually said where I work) and worked at my new job with the church. I had several meetings throughout the day and began to list all of the many things I wanted to accomplish in my new position. I realized that some of them will be accomplished with ease while others would require quite a bit of assistance. Overall, I was excited about the possibilities and looking forward to my new job. I looked forward to the opportunity to serve God through serving others on a full time basis.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about my feelings as I make the transition from one job to the other. The transition has been anything but easy. When I learned that I had been offered the position at the church, I was filled with joy. I have known for some time now that my heart was not in my job as a police officer anymore. For various reasons, I grew away from that job and there were parts of it that were difficult to cope with. I realized that the job was changing who I was. I was becoming a person I did not respect. I was becoming a person that I could not live with. I certainly was not showing Christ to others by the way I lived. I did not set an example as a man of integrity, virtue, patience, and respect. I lost my cool numerous times, I pointed out the faults in others, I disrespected my supervisors (albeit sometimes they were flat out wrong in their actions), and I had stopped smiling at work. The job had become the onion to my Crème Brulee (see previous post).

I do not blame the job. I do not hold any resentment towards anyone at the job. I treasure my time at the police department. I value the relationships that I have made. There are people at that department that started the same day I did and I thought I would be there when they finished. I have family at the department. Being a cop is not a job that you do, it is who you are, a part of you at least. Part of me wishes that my heart had not changed and that I could still be happy in doing the job. Part of me wishes that the circumstances of my life had not changed.

I was working the hospital in uniform this past weekend for the last time. I got really sad. When I am in uniform I feel like a cop the most. I remembered all of the good times that I had a few years ago when I was working a beat on patrol alongside my best friend. I remember the fights we got into with bad guys. I remember the bad guys we took off the streets. I remember riding down the street in my best friend’s jeep at three in the morning listening to Windfall by Son Volt on the radio as we headed to the police department to do the arrest reports for two coin machine burglars that we had just caught while off duty at his apartment. I remember the time the two of us got locked into a pool at an apartment complex and debated as to whether we would call for help or climb the tall iron fence with points at the top of it and risk goring ourselves. I realized then that I still love police work. Then I realized that those were times that I left behind two years ago and not things that I was walking away from this week.

Tonight I had dinner with the friend and his wife. The two of them are about to have their first child in a few weeks. My friend and I talked about where we had been, what we had done, where we are now, and where we may be going in life. I realized then that he is no longer the same person as he was during those times mentioned above. The circumstances of his life have changed dramatically and he has changed along with them for the better. I can only hope that I adjust as well as he has. It has been fun watching him on his journey through life the past few years.

I realized tonight that it is okay to feel sad about leaving the department. It does not mean I made a mistake in doing so. I firmly believe that God is calling me in a different direction and I am doing my best to align my will with His. Even though the separation is painful, I feel I must go. I hope the people at the department understand. I hope they know that I am leaving what is comfortable, financially secure, and familiar in search of who it is that God wants me to be. In a lot of ways I am leaving my family for the past seven years. Just like any cop, I tend to want to plan my approach in life and gain as much intel as I can before I act. This time I am going in on faith alone.

As for the people at the church, I hope they realize that it is not easy to leave this career behind. The people I work with at the police department are some of the most dedicated servants in this community. Each one of us is flawed in some way but the truth of the matter is, the police officers lay their lives down on the line for their friends everyday and man hath no greater love.

I realize now that the past year is not something to regret or to run away from in a bitter manner. This past year God has worked me over with a coarse grain of sandpaper and has shaped me into a better person. At times he used a pick axe and it hurt quite a bit, but I like what He has done. I am excited about the work He has left to do. I realize now that some of the events of this past year were the road signs that I talked about in the Joy of the Journey post. I think it just took me up until now to have enough courage to turn when God said turn.

So bear with me as I go through these next few days of transition. They will not be easy. Saying goodbye is always hard. I feel like I have already had to do it too many times, but I know there will be more. I ask for your support. I ask for your patience and I ask for your prayers. After all, this is me….

Pax Tecum,

Tom

There are no onions in Creme Brulee....EVER!!!

I know that this probably is and probably will be the strangest title of one of my blogs. However, it is somewhat of an inside joke that I am willing to share in an attempt to demonstrate a connection that was made for me.

Today I was driving back from Hutto, TX where I had the distinct privilege of watching my youngest nephew get baptized. My brother and his wife asked me to be the godfather and I happily accepted. I now have four beautiful godsons. One more and I will have a basketball team. Anyway, I realized today that I do some of my deeper thinking while I am driving. Maybe deep is the wrong word. Perhaps I am just stretching my mind outside of its normal course of thought.

Last Sunday night, a group of friends and I went to a very nice restaurant in College Station to celebrate a friend’s birthday. This restaurant is a pretty classy place. In fact, you walk in and almost forget where you are. It was the type of restaurant where you order each course individually and hopefully pair it with the right wine or cocktail. If you are like me, you swallow your pride, admit your ignorance, and ask the sommelier to choose the wine for you.

The food was excellent, albeit a little pricy. The meal as a whole appears slightly pretentious or gluttonous at first. However, you quickly realize that you are paying not only for the food, but for the total dining experience. This includes being surrounded by close friends, enjoying each other’s company, and experiencing great service. Each course came out of the kitchen better than the one before it. That is, until we came to dessert.

Three people at the table ordered Crème Brulee. One of the people at the table noticed that there was something wrong with the way his Crème Brulee tasted. He asked the person sitting next to him if her Crème Brulee tasted alright. They both eventually came to the conclusion that the dessert tasted like onions. We looked over at the third person who ordered the same dessert and he was eating it with a smile on his face obviously enjoying his selection of treats. When my friend told me about the onion taste I thought he was crazy. He asked me to try the dessert and sure enough, there was a strong onion flavor. Two of the desserts were quickly sent back to the kitchen.

We have all been to a restaurant where something has arrived at our table only to discover that it was not properly cooked. Sometimes our steak is a little too well done or our food is cold and was not allowed to cook long enough. At other times, our order shows up and we are missing a side order or they forgot to substitute an item at our request. We have come to expect this sort of service at a drive thru, but certainly not at a nice restaurant where we pay a high price for our meal.

The waiter returned to our table and apologized for the incident. Apparently the chef inadvertently placed the dessert into a cooler that also contained some onions. The onions were so powerful that their odor and flavor infused itself into the Crème Brulee due to their proximity. The chef did not realize the onions were present or perhaps he would have perceived this undesired reaction and the whole situation would have been avoided. Suffice to say, the chef replaced the desserts and the rest of the meal was enjoyed immensely.

So, today, as I drove in my car, I began to meditate on the whole scenario. Here we have Crème Brulee, a dessert that I am sure is difficult to make. I do not know what all goes into making Crème Brulee but if it was simple they probably would not use the fancy French words when they put it on a menu. It was a costly dessert and I am sure the Chef took some pride in his version of it. However, the potency of the onion totally ruined his creation. Don’t get me wrong, I like onions and they certainly have their purpose, especially when they are slightly caramelized and placed over a nice steak. However, in this situation, the onion, doing nothing more than being what it was created to be, ruined the carefully prepared dessert. No one intended for the onion to be in the Crème Brulee and no one even anticipated the effect it might have just by being close.

Where am I going with this, you ask? Each one of us is created in the image and likeness of God. God takes great care in creating each and every one of us. God does not make mistakes in his creation. God did not make a mistake when He created the blind, the deaf, the lame, the leper, the child with a developmental disorder, etc. Each person is created with a purpose even though at times it may not be immediately apparent to us.

Like the Crème Brulee, each one of us consists of many ingredients that are put together in such a fashion that we have the potential to remain a wonderful creation. However, based on our environment and those who we keep close to us, the creation can be tarnished. We surround ourselves with the onions of our world everyday. These onions are things that may not be inherently bad, however, they have a negative effect on us and God did not intend them for the manner in which they are being used. Most of the time, we do not even perceive the effect they are having on us. However, the effect is strong and makes us something so undesirable that it runs the risk of being sent back. If left uncorrected and un-repaired, it certainly would not make it back to the table.

I wonder what God must say when we show Him what we have done with His creation. Today’s gospel and the words of our Lord perhaps give us some insight to what might be said, “Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I tell you, will attempt to enter
but will not be strong enough. After the master of the house has arisen and locked the door, then will you stand outside knocking and saying, ‘Lord, open the door for us.’
He will say to you in reply, ‘I do not know where you are from. And you will say, ‘We ate and drank in your company and you taught in our streets.’ Then he will say to you,
‘I do not know where you are from. Depart from me, all you evildoers!’”

We run the risk of allowing ourselves to become something so tarnished, something so far from what we were created to be, that God does not even recognize us. Perhaps God will realize that we were surrounded by too many onions in this world and did nothing about it. Perhaps God will realize that we were too hot or too cold. We have heard in Rev 3:16 “So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth.” These are strong words indeed, but should we expect anything less? After all, think of the price God paid for each and every one of us. Each of us was purchased with the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. That is a price that none of us could even begin to pay.

When I think about it in those terms, I take another look around the table of friends that were sitting with me. I thank God for each and every one of them because they are certainly not the onions in my life. In fact, they are the ones who inspire me to try to live my life as God created me to be.

However, each day we should ask ourselves, “What are we going to do with God’s creation and will it be fit for service at His table?”

Pax Tecum,

Tom

God is a friend of mine...literally!!

In reading the Bible, especially the Old Testament, we hear stories of the great prophets to whom God spoke directly and revealed His faith. We have heard the stories of the holy saints to whom Our Lady or Our Lord Jesus Christ has appeared. I do not doubt any of these occurrences, but there have been times in my life when I wondered if God ever spoke to me. I did not think that I could hear His voice. At times, I certainly could not see Him in my life and there were even times when I could not see Him in others.

After the death of my brother, I begged God to speak to me. I wanted to hear that booming voice in the clouds. If only God would tell me what He wanted me to do with my life, I would do as I was told. I wanted to be faithful. I thought that if I did everything right and according to His Word, my life would straighten out. I kept looking for that certified letter from God in the mail telling me what to do. The letter never came. I did not get a phone call. I did not get an email from Him. I certainly did not feel like my prayer to Him was “working.”

August 26, 2006, at approximately three in the morning, I got a page on my work pager that would change my life and the lives of several others. I was called out as the on-call investigator for a train accident. I will not go into the details of the accident out of respect for those involved, but I will say that it was one of the most difficult and heart wrenching things I have ever seen. I had the unfortunate task of listening to the friends of the young man who was killed in the accident as they recounted the accident. I had the responsibility of notifying the young man’s family. The circumstances in which the parents were notified were less than ideal and I did not feel good about it, but it was the best I could do. Having made that type of call many years before when my father passed and having received the call just three months prior after my brother was killed in an accident, I did not want to tell a father that his son was not coming home.

Slowly the accident and other events in my life were eating away at me from the inside out. I was not dealing with them well and I gradually started to break down. On Sunday, September 3^rd I went to mass. I struggled through most of mass and was hurting. I walked out of mass and my priest could see it on my face as he asked, “Are you okay?” I told him the truth and I said, “No.” He asked if I wanted to talk and I said, “No offense Father, but not with you. I need to talk to Him,” and I pointed to the adoration chapel. I went into the chapel, hit my knees, and begged God to carry my cross for me. I asked Him to ease the pain and to let me know that everything would be okay. I left the chapel feeling as though God must not have heard me because I certainly could not hear Him.

The next day was Labor Day and I was off of work. I was sitting on the couch when my cell phone rang. I did not recognize the number on the caller ID. I listened to the voicemail later and it was the father of the young man who was killed in the train accident. Just over one week ago, his son was killed in an accident, and yet, he took the time to call me and thank me for what I had done. He thanked me for dealing with the situation in a compassionate and professional manner. I could not believe that a man in his situation would even give a person like me, a near stranger, a second thought. It was at that moment that I realized I heard God’s voice. I cried when I realized that God was answering my prayer through a person I had never met face to face. I had heard God’s voice and it renewed my faith that I thought had been all but lost.

Throughout the last year of my life, there has been one constant source of encouragement. After my brother’s death I learned that his favorite verse in scripture was Romans 8:28:

“We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”

As I went through the struggles of this past year I would constantly remind myself of this verse. Gradually, I came to believe in the verse which is definitively different than being able to recite it. At some point, I started passing the verse on to others when they were worried or anxious about the future.

As the year went on and the first anniversary of my brother’s death came and went, I began to face fewer and fewer struggles and difficult times. The good times and grace filled moments began to outnumber the difficult times. I began to be happy again. I had found joy in the simplest parts of life. My prayer life took on a life of its own and God did many wonderful things in my heart. There are a few people, some who are reading this now, that were with me along the journey and I thank them for their encouragement and love.

This past week I was blessed more than I could ever deserve. I was offered a full time position in service to my church. When I was first approached with the opportunity, I quickly dismissed it and thought it to be impossible. I rejected the idea. Slowly I realized that it was God calling me to service and I did not have a good reason for saying, “no.” I accepted the position and will start my new job soon. Despite the amazing opportunity I did have some angst, worry, and uncertainty about my future. In my prayer I asked God if I was doing the right thing. I told Him that I trusted in Him and would work hard at being faithful to Him. I was not waiting for an answer nor was I really expecting one.

This morning, after being out of the office for a brief time, I returned to my desk and saw an email from a guy who used to be a co-worker of mine. This co-worker left our place of work to take another job in Houston, TX. He sent me an email to tell me that he heard I was leaving my job to work for my church. He told me that he was excited that I was following God’s call in my life. He then went on to ask me if I knew what was in store for my future and then went on to say the following:

“Whatever it is, this scripture came to mind from Romans 8: And we know that in all things God works for good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

My eyes welled up with tears and I ran to show a few of my friends the email. I had never told this friend of mine what Romans 8:28 meant to me. I had not told too many people my new found appreciation for the verse. This person in particular had no other reason to pass that verse on to me other than giving way to God’s voice. Was it a coincidence? I think not. Was it God’s providence? You cannot convince me otherwise.

If ever you cannot hear God’s voice, if ever you doubt that He answers our prayers, just listen to what it is that others are saying to you. God waits for those moments when we take our hands off our ears and listen to His gentle whispers that go straight to our hearts from the mouths of our friends.

It wasn't just my ears that God had fixed so that I could hear Him. After putting a little mud in my eyes, He cured my blindness and allowed me to see Him in those around me. As I sat at dinner tonight with a group of friends that I have grown to love, I realized that God does not always need to send an email or pick up a phone to tell us that He loves us. As I looked around the table, it was the little things that reminded me of God’s love. The love of a husband for his wife of many years, the concern of a woman who makes God and service to her church a priority, the loving heart of a priest and a deacon who take time out of their busy schedules to be with their people, and the laughter and fellowship of a friend who has been there every step of the way this past year, were all I needed to remember that God is love and He is present in those closest to me.

I thank God for the ability to not only hear His voice as He speaks to me, but the ability to see His face in those sitting around the table with me. After much reflection, I have come to a fairly significant conclusion: God is a friend of mine….literally!

Deus Caritas Est,

Tom

The Joy of the Journey

I remember as a child, whenever my family would prepare to go on a family vacation, my mother would clean the house from top to bottom. I always asked mom why she made such a fuss about the house being clean when no one was even going to be there to see it. At first I thought that maybe it was because she wanted one less thing to worry about when she got back. I think another part of it was, that if something happened to us, God forbid, a relative would not come in to find our house in disarray.

As I got older and able to drive, I realized that I loved to take road trips in my car. I would always make sure that the oil had been changed recently, the gas tank was full, my course was carefully mapped out so as to make perfect time, and the right CD’s were selected and just an arm’s reach away. I was very methodical and planned for almost every occasion.

Just a few weeks ago I took a trip to visit a friend of mine who lives in Banquete, TX. The drive is approximately four and a half hours. As I was leaving College Station, I was focused on taking the right roads and making good time. I had never been to Banquete so I was worried about whether I would be able to find my way. A friend of mine told me about one of the old painted Catholic churches that is located in High Hill near Schulenburg, TX. I was told that I had to stop and visit to see the beauty of the church. As I drove through Schulenburg I looked desperately for the sign that told me where to turn to go to High Hill. For one reason or another, I missed the sign telling me where to turn. I realized that I was excited about my time in Banquete. I was focusing on the things that I was going to do and the conversations that I was going to have. I was focused on my destination.

I had a wonderful time in Banquete. I drove back to College Station completely relaxed and ready to face the challenges that awaited me when I returned home. I noticed things along the drive that I had not noticed the first time. As I passed through Schulenburg, my attention was directed towards a sign on the side of the road. Lo and behold, there was a sign for St. Mary’s Church in High Hill. I applied the brakes a little too rapidly for the current conditions and did not take into account the swiftness of the oncoming traffic but by God’s grace alone, I made the turn without injury.

I was rewarded for my faithfulness in following the sign. I do not think that my words will adequately express the beauty of this church. I fully expected to find the church locked up tight at 6:30pm on a Sunday night, but I found the front doors open. I walked into the Church and I felt my breath taken from me instantly. The beauty was overwhelming. I walked up towards the front of the church and cautiously took my place in a pew. I began to recite Evening Prayer which is something I was recently taught how to do. I was looking up at a statue of Mary which is at one of the highest points above the altar. As I began to pray the Magnificat, I experienced a feeling that I had not felt before. It felt similar to the feeling when you get a chill or find yourself getting goose bumps, however, it lasted the entire time I prayed our Blessed Mother’s prayer. I was struck dumb and filled with joy at the same time. I got up and left the church and drove the next fifty miles with the widest eyes you have ever seen. It was truly a wonderful and grace filled moment.

After reading all of that you are probably wondering what my point in telling the story is. By now, if you have been reading my blog you will know that while the following point I have to make is simple and easy to grasp, it will take many words to convey it.

Life is a journey. This is a metaphor that we have all heard and sometimes take for granted. Hopefully, all of us have the goal of being faithful to God and obtaining eternal salvation in Heaven. The destination for all of us is clearly defined. However, there are many different routes that we can take and sometimes the routes we plan do not always work out.

Knowing that we are about to embark on a journey, we prepare ourselves. We educate ourselves in our faith. We learn many lessons in life that allow us to obtain the physical goods necessary for the journey. We try to maintain good health. We want to make sure that our bodies will stand up to the rigors of the journey we call life. However, at times, we spend so much time in preparation that we lose sight of the journey itself. In today’s times many of us have said that we are too busy to get more involved in church. We are too busy to spend quality time with our family. We are too busy to take a vacation, too busy to get a good night’s sleep, to read the Bible, or too busy to exercise. We are so busy planning for the journey of life and making sure that we have the physical objects we think we need as sustenance that we get hypnotized by the road ahead and miss what we are passing by.

Once we do finally embark on the journey, some of us are too focused on the destination to enjoy the path we take. That or we are so convinced that we know the path we need to take, that when a detour is put in our path, we completely give up and lose our way. Sometimes despite the warning signs of fatigue, illness, depression, or physical pain we continue on our path instead of listening to the signs that tell us to take a different direction. We know the path that we are on is not good for us but we put our nose to the ground and push forward. We do this because we believe that we know the way and if we try hard enough we can get where we are going without asking directions. When things are bad we push forward because we believe that there is something greater and better waiting for us once we finally reach our destination.

The journey need not be overly difficult. God does not expect us to know everything that lays ahead of us on the road to salvation. Our Lord Jesus does not expect us to know the way that is why He tells us, “Come, follow me.” He is the way, the truth, and the life.

God does not ask us to plan for five days from now, five years for now, or even fifty years from now. God does not want us to live for the future. He wants us to live for today. How many times have you told yourself, if only I can get through tomorrow things will get better. Eventually you tell yourself, if only I can get through next week or next month, everything will be better. In the process of waiting for something better we miss what we already have. A good and very holy priest recently said in a homily, “we should not pray for the things that we want, we should pray that we want the things that we already have.” God does not want us to live for the future. He wants us to live for today.

Occasionally when we are headed down the wrong path in life, God will let us know. Like the good Father, or the gentle shepherd, He will seek us out and guide us back to the flock. Sometimes the roadblock is a gentle suggestion of conscience to change our path. Other times, the road in front of us completely disappears until we decide to turn to God and ask Him to show us the way.

What about the destination? Are any of us sure where we are truly headed? Is the love and glory of God our Father something distant and far off? Four weeks ago we heard the answer from the book of Deuteronomy, “This commandment that I command you is not too hard for you; neither is it far off. It is not in heaven that you should say, ‘Who will go up for us to heaven, and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us, and bring it to us, that we may hear and do it?’ But the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart, that you can do it”

Knowing that, we need not look for God in far off places. He is in our heart. We have Him now. We need not worry about where we are going so long as God is in our hearts and leading the way.

In my own life I have learned that God sometimes leads you in a direction that you never think you would have gone on your own. In fact, sometimes He leads you down a road that you do not think your are equipped to deal with or qualified for, but in the end, you realize that by doing your best to be faithful to Him and paying attention to the direction in which He leads you, you finally start to notice the beauty of the journey itself.

So, my advice to everyone including myself is to slow down, turn off the radio of life, roll down the windows, take in the fresh air, and enjoy the ride with God at your side and let Him lead the way.

Pax Tecum,

Tom

"Mary has chosen the better part..."

This past weekend I had the privilege of taking thirteen members of our youth group to the Zion Retreat. The retreat was held at St. Thomas More Parish in Austin, TX. It was an amazing weekend and I really enjoyed myself. The following is a brief excerpt from my prayer journal that I wanted to share with you:

“I am at St. Thomas More Parish in Austin for the Zion trip. I am here with thirteen of our wonderful kids from STAY (St. Thomas Aquinas Youth). The kids are in their small groups right now so I have some free time.

I wish that I was able to write down every thought or movement of the heart. I have had some great prayer experiences this weekend. Last night the kids were working on something in the parish hall. It was fairly quiet and they were playing some soft music. I was talking to Betsy (one of the other CORE team members) and we both got quiet. I felt a strong urge to take my rosary out and pray so I did. Since it was Friday I prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries. However, this was the first time that I prayed the rosary by myself without my prayer books. I don’t know that I did it perfect, but I definitely did it with a pure heart. It was a profound moment for me for two reasons.

The first reason is that I realized how much progress I have made, by the power of the Holy Spirit, over the course of the last year in terms of my prayer life. Last year I could not really say the rosary with a prayer book much less spontaneously. I was focused during the prayer and I was praying because I wanted to and not because I needed to or felt obligated to.

The second reason is that I realized that I was in the middle of a crowded room praying. I am typically a private person and tend to not let very many people see who I truly am. Even those who feel they are the closest to me don’t always get to see the real me. However, as I was praying, I felt as if no one else was in the room. It was a conversation between me and God. Also, I did not care if anyone saw me and I wasn’t doing it so that they would. My heart was just moved very strongly to stop and pray.

Another interesting point about this particular rosary was that I was not praying for myself. I have always prayed for others but typically in the past, when I have been moved to pray it was because I needed God’s help. I was praying intently for the spiritual growth of all of the teens in the room. I was also praying for a particular teen who could not come on the retreat. When I finished I put the rosary back in my pocket. I looked around the room and nothing had changed. It was as if time had stopped while I was praying. It was a great experience.

This morning I got to enjoy an ice cold shower in the shower trailer. It was a little bit painful but I was thankful for the opportunity to be clean. We had quite a bit of free time this morning while the kids were doing other things, including confession. I took the opportunity to go to a little grotto area that they have here at the church. There is a statue of there of the Blessed Virgin Mary and some benches there. I sat and fed the mosquitoes while I prayed the rosary. Again, I prayed for one of the teens who could not make the trip. When I was done, I realized that both the mosquitoes and I were very hungry. God fed both of us during that rosary.

I then walked the Stations of the Cross that they have in a wooded area here. It was a nice morning and a good walk. I am not sure that I can articulate what I was feeling at the time. All I know is that for the first time in a long time, I knew that I was not making that walk alone.

After the walk, I went back to the parish hall where they were doing some praise and worship. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a horrible singer. However, I did not care. I sang because I was singing to God and He thinks I sound great. I closed my eyes, opened my hands, and poured my heart out to the Lord. The funny thing is, it felt right. I did not feel awkward and I was not self-conscious. The Holy Spirit was working within me. I did not want it to end.

So, sitting here now several hours later, I have to ask myself, “Why is it so easy on a retreat to be in tune with the Holy Spirit and not at home?” The answer, at least for me, is the environment. While on a retreat, I am free from the many distractions that exist in our lives. I am free from most temptations to sin. I am surrounded by other people who have freely chosen to take off their masks and be who they really are. I am with people who have freely chosen to put God first, others second, and themselves third.

The challenge then is how to be the same in the secular world as I am on the retreat. It is no small challenge.”

So, maybe that entry was not so brief but it helps me with my next point. The Gospel reading this week was the story of Martha and Mary. Jesus comes to visit the house of Martha and Mary. Mary (not his mother) chooses to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to his teachings. Martha, on the other hand, is scurrying about the house cleaning, cooking, and trying to make sure everything is perfect for the guests. Martha becomes upset with her sister for not helping and asks Jesus to tell Mary to help her.

Sometimes in life we need to stop what we are doing and sit at the feet of the Lord. For me, the gospel was lived out while on a retreat in Austin. Once I slowed myself down and freed myself from the weight of anxiety and stress, I was able to hear God speak to me. I was able to spend time with Him and feel His presence. Had I not sat down like Mary, surely I would have missed what He had to say.

And so now I say Amen even louder as I hear Jesus’ words to Martha:

“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her.” Luke 10:41

Pax Tecum,

Tom

La...la...la...la

One of the most frustrating things for me is to have a conversation with someone who simply will not listen to what you are trying to say. We have all had those conversations where both you and the person that you are talking to are absolutely convinced that they have the entire truth about the topic of conversation. There is no convincing them. There is no relenting in your own position. It becomes a dual monologue duel instead of a dialogue. Often times we find ourselves simply waiting for the other person to stop talking so that we can convince them of our point of view.

As children, we had a much simpler way of dealing with the problem. If our parents or our friends told us something that we did not want to hear, we quickly enacted the most rational, most mature, most effective plan that we could so as not to be convinced that we were wrong. We would cover our ears and shout in a loud voice, “La…la…la…la…I can’t hear you!” We would continue to do this until the other person finally gave up and stopped talking.

I got to wondering. How often do you think that God sees us as those stubborn little children with their hands over their ears making an active effort to ignore Him? The fact is God speaks to us in a very real way. There were many times growing up where I became distraught because I could not hear God speaking to me. There would be tragic situations in my life or on the news and I would ask myself, “Where is God in this?” Other times I would pray and pray only to have my prayer seemingly unanswered. I thought that I was unable to hear God speak to me.

I think we all generally agree that it is good to do what God wants us to do. We would be happy to submit to His will if only we knew what it was. If you got a certified letter from God telling you exactly what He wanted you to do with your life and guaranteed you happiness if you followed the plan, would you follow it? I think most of us would. I think we strive to please God in most situations. The problem is that we are unable to hear God speaking to us. We put obstacles in the way that prevent us from hearing His voice. Our pride, our sin, our fear, our inability to trust, our desire for pleasure, our conceit, our self-love, our lust, our gluttony, our greed, and many other negative traits prevent us from hearing God’s voice.

Eventually, we learn that most of us will not hear God speaking to us in the form of a flaming bush or a loud clap of thunder. Instead we hear God speak to us in the silence of our hearts. We also hear God speak to us through the words and actions of others. God is constantly speaking to us, however, we cannot hear him if we have our hands over our ears. We must lower our hands, humble ourselves, and admit that perhaps we do not know what is best for us.

Just because something gives us pleasure does not mean that it will bring us happiness. I think often times people equate pleasure with happiness. For example, some people find smoking a cigarette pleasurable, but that does not mean it will bring that person happiness. Sex with a prostitute may be described as pleasurable to some, but rarely, I think, would it bring happiness. I am not trying to say that nothing that is pleasurable will not lead to happiness. In fact, if you look at a synonym for happiness, it says, “providential,” meaning something that happens or results from divine providence (i.e. the will of God).

That line of thinking would lead one to believe, as do I, that happiness comes from doing God’s will. So we tell ourselves, “Well if He would just tell me what He wants, I would do it.” God does tell us what He wills for us. God wants us to love. God wants us to know that we are loved. God wants us to trust Him. God wants us to follow the example that He has given to us in our Lord Jesus Christ.

God also speaks to us everyday in scripture. This past week in the scripture we have heard the prophet Elijah and our Lord Jesus Christ challenge those around them to stop what they are doing and come and serve the Lord. Most of them made an excuse as to why they could not follow God right away. Some said they had to bury their father first. Notice they did not say that they would not follow. They simply made an excuse as to why they could not do it at that time, except for Matthew. When Jesus challenged Matthew to, “Follow me,” Matthew promptly got up and went without asking any questions. When Jesus sent the seventy-two out to prepare the way for Him, they went and listened to his instructions. They quickly realized the power they had and the joy that they had in listening to God’s word and doing His will.

As much as we try to be faithful and listen for God’s voice, at times we simply cannot hear Him. In my own life these past two weeks, I have been consumed with worry, fear, angst, and at times anger. I realized that this behavior was the equivalent to me having my hands over my ears. I think at some point God may have stopped talking and just waited for me to allow myself to listen. Once I opened myself up and put myself into His hands, I was able to hear Him once again.

I know that I am human and that there will be times when, despite my quest for a holier and more faithful life, I will stand in the way of God. However, my prayer is that God will give me the grace to recognize those moments where I am covering my ears and preventing His loving words from getting through. God does answer every prayer. He answers each prayer not with what you want or when you want it, but with what you need and on His schedule for when you need it.

Happiness stems from Providence. Open your ears and hear His voice.

Pax Tecum,

Tom

Dying with Dignity...

Recently there have been several stories in the news, both local and national, of people who have died by their own hand. Whether it was a case of assisted suicide, a cheap attempt at martyrdom in the name of religion, or simply a person who has been overcome by the challenges of life and has given up, some people chose to take the very gift that God has given them into their own hands and chose when it was that they would die. Some would say that they did so in order to die a dignified and meaningful death. I strongly disagree.

There are absolute truths in this world. There are fundamental truths that are not subjective and cannot be debated. These truths are not a matter of debate or personal preference. One such truth is the law of gravity. None of us would think twice about arguing this truth, especially those of us who are more gravitationally challenged than others. Another such truth is that all of us, at some point, will face death head on. Whether it is the death of someone we love or our own death, our bodies will die. Fortunately for us, by the passion, death, and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ, death of the soul has been conquered and we who believe shall live forever.

Life is a gift. This is a truth that must also be accepted. God alone creates life. God has given the gift for a man and woman to express their complete and total love for one another, enjoin themselves to one another, and through God’s grace and the power of the Holy Spirit, create a new life. Along with this freedom comes the ability to choose to end a life. Whether it be through the killing of a child before it leaves the mother’s womb, murder, suicide, accidental death, or assisted suicide, God gives us the freedom to make choices that sometimes lead to death.

The flip side of the coin is that God also gives us the freedom to choose life. We are free to live our lives for the glory of God. We are free to love one another as God has loved us. We are free to fight for the basic human rights of others. We are free to protect the dignity of human life through our moral principles and our legislation. We are free to enjoy the simple pleasures of life itself.

This freedom, however, came at a price. Let us not forget that God Himself, in the person of His Son our Lord Jesus Christ, suffered, died, and was buried for our sins and our sins alone. God sent us His only Son so that we might learn not only how to love and to live, but how to die. Jesus endured betrayal, a broken heart, loneliness, physical pain, and suffering beyond description so that our sins might be forgiven. After being condemned to die, Jesus was scourged thousands of times until his flesh barely remained attached to his body. A crown of thorns was placed on his head mocking his role as King of Kings. Jesus then carried the very cross that would be used to bring about his death, a cross so heavy, that it cut into his shoulders and caused him to fall three times. At Golgotha, he was nailed to the cross. Large metal spikes were driven into each of his hands and both of his feet. Jesus was then hung on the cross between two thieves and allowed to suffer until his death. All the while, Jesus prayed to the Father to forgive us for what we had done.

For some the account of Jesus’ death is nothing more than a story. For some of us, we fail to associate ourselves and our own sins with Jesus’ death. Unfortunately for some, the suffering and death of Jesus means nothing to them at all.

We are a society that is infatuated with self promotion and self gratification. We strive for comfort and pleasure. We are a “drive through” society that allows us to get what we want, when we want it, for very little self sacrifice or effort. We believe that we can control our lives and that we alone have the right to make the decisions that will affect how we live. We believe that life is ours to have and also ours to take if we so choose.

The truth is, we must all learn not only how to live the life of Jesus, but also how to die like him. We must learn to die to our base passions, our lust, our greed, our selfishness. When we hurt, we should look at the pain and suffering as being redemptive. This is not to say that we should be masochistic and take pleasure in pain. However, when faced with a difficult and painful situation, we must then realize that God suffers along with us and will not give us more to bear. I have said before that God will not give us a cross that we cannot carry. Recently I came across this quote from St. Frances de Sales that describes it better:

“The everlasting God has in his wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross that he now presents to you as a gift from his inmost heart. This cross he now sends you he has considered with his all-knowing eyes, understood with his divine mind, tested with his wise justice, warmed with loving arms, and weighed with his own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with his holy Name, anointed it with his grace, perfumed it with his consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.”

On a recent discussion board, I read the following. “A person’s character is defined by how they lived and not how they died.” I disagree with this statement. What about the martyrs and saints who when facing torture and death remained loyal to their beliefs and professed their faith in God? What about St. Maximilian Kolbe who stepped out of line in Auschwitz to take the place of a husband and father who was condemned to die in the death chamber? What about the passengers of Flight 93? We know very little about how they lived, but we honor the manner in which they died. And, of course, let us not forget the death of our Lord Jesus Christ.

To sum it all up, there is no dignity in choosing to take your own life. There is no dignity in choosing death instead of seeing yourself “whither away.” There is no dignity in telling God that you are not willing to suffer any longer. There is nothing that we suffer that God has not already taken upon Himself. Having said that, we must be compassionate towards those who choose to end their life. We must pray to God and ask for His mercy on their souls. Nothing good comes from speaking ill of the dead.

As Catholics, we pray for a happy death. We ask for our Blessed Mother’s intercession at the time of our greatest need. We pray:

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed are thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Pax Tecum,

Tom

It may not be all about me, but it starts with me….

To say that this past week has been difficult would be an understatement. However, the pain and suffering of the last week is best described as growing pains. After listening to Most Reverend Gregory Aymond saying to three men who were about to be ordained to the priesthood, “It’s not about you,” I vowed to work harder at living my life that was less about me and more about Christ.

Immediately upon making this vow, I started to fail miserably in accomplishing my task. It started Sunday morning. Throughout the morning I had difficulty trusting in God. I was overcome with worry about my future and what God had planned for me. I felt uneasy as I knew I had talked about trusting in the Lord, but could not follow my own advice.

Something happens to me when I go to work. I don’t think some people would recognize the person I was this week. Fueled by stress, a lack of sleep, poor diet, and a failure to attend mass daily, I started on a downward spiral. I won’t go into all of the issues at work because they are unimportant to the point I am trying to make. I was consumed by things that I did not think were right. I was overly concerned with what others were and were not doing. I pointed out all the faults and injustices that I perceived to be happening. I was disrespectful, disobedient, uncharitable, and an all around grouch. I blamed the job. I blamed the people. I blamed my unhappiness on everything and everyone other than the true source. I failed to recognize that the problem was me.

This life is not all about me. That is a given, However, I think that Bishop Aymond could have followed up his line with, “but it starts with you.” Instead of worrying about how others are living their lives and how other people’s choices affect you, you should examine your own actions and thoughts to see how well you are living a life of true discipleship. Archbishop Timothy Dolan, in one of his books, is quoted as saying, “the starting point of spiritual growth, the first step in true discipleship, is humble recognition of a profound gratitude for God’s love for us.”

As I left the office on Wednesday I came to a sudden realization that I was in danger. I was in danger of being consumed completely and totally by anger, resentment, jealousy, and self-loathing. It was clearly an attack on the soul. I went to mass and knew that I was in no condition to receive Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. The fact that I was not able to receive the healing power of Our Lord at that moment when I needed it most was a wake-up call. I left mass having resigned my self to rectify the situation. I went to confession Wednesday night and made probably one of my most sincere, heartfelt, and healing confessions.

It was through prayer and the sacraments that I realized that my unhappiness was my own fault. I was allowing myself to be consumed with how others were living their lives. I was judging others by a standard that I, myself, was not living up to. I was looking for reasons to be upset and was taking things too seriously. This weekend I came across a quote from Edward Benson that spoke to me, “How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself! It is so much easier to be honest about the foibles of others!”

This week, while difficult, has been one filled with grace as well. This week has taught me that while I am growing in my faith, I still have a lot of maturing and growing to do. St. Francis de Sales has the best advice for us when he says, “Be patient with everyone, but above all with yourself. I mean, do not be disturbed with your imperfections, and always rise up bravely from a fall.” There will be times in our lives when all of us fall. Jesus fell three times due to the weight of his cross. How many more times, in our weakness and humanity, will we fall than God Himself? The fall itself is not as important as whether or not you rise up from that fall and grow as a result of it.

I thank God for the gift of this week. Even though I am tired and not happy with how I behaved this week, I am thankful that our Lord forgives us for our faults and our weaknesses. It is in our weakness that we grow closer to God. He does not give us more than we can handle. God has given us the freedom to choose what type of life we will lead. We can choose to be consumed by the things of this world, by pettiness, by judging others, by anger, by resentment, or we can choose to humble ourselves, turn inward to find Christ’s love, and then radiate that love outward to others. To steal a line from a good and faithful priest, “the choice is yours….choose well.”

Pax Tecum,

Tom

Prayer Request

I do not have anything profound to say tonight. I do not have any reflections to share. I simply have a request. I write tonight asking for your prayers for me. Please pray for a special intention. It has been a difficult few days and I could use your prayers. All of you remain in my daily prayers.

Pax Tecum,
Tom

"It's not about you..."

These were the words that were spoken to me and many others today by Bishop Gregory Aymond. You see, I attended an ordination mass in Cedar Park today and these words were the focus of the Bishop’s homily. Now I will not repeat his fifteen minute homily, but I will say that we could all stand to hear it again. I just want to share with you how these four words (actually three words and a contraction) have brought me a sense of peace tonight.

I will have to start by telling you about Friday afternoon. I learned Friday afternoon that I was the subject of a rumor at work. The rumor, like most, was completely false. However it still caused me a great deal of pain. I was hurt because I felt like someone close to me (i.e. a co-worker who I am supposed to trust with my life), someone whom I trusted, manufactured a situation and spread the rumor to others. The content of the rumor is unimportant. I do not know who started the rumor and frankly, I do not want to. I probably should not even post about it because now those people at work who do not know what it was and who read this blog, will undoubtedly make an effort to find out.

I was disturbed by the rumor because I feel like it brought my character into question. Let me be honest by saying that I, like all of us, am a sinner. I have been wrong many times in my past and I am sure that I am wrong about some things now, and will be wrong again in the future. I know that I have hurt others by talking behind their back or participating in gossip. I am deeply sorry for those things that I have done. I have worked hard the last year at amending my life. I try hard to be a man of faith, a man of character, a friend, a trustworthy person, etc. However, at times I fail, and my failures cause hurt to other people. I recognize this and am sorry for it.

I was hurt by this rumor simply by the fact that someone brought my character into question. It was doubly painful because they brought my faith and my life in the church into question as well. The whole situation caused me to grow quiet and withdrawn. I became distrustful of others around me, wondering all the time, “who would do such a thing?” I have tried to be a friend to others. I have tried to listen to others in their time of need. I have given my time, opened my heart, and allowed others to see a side of me that has been hidden for a long time. I have tried to show them God’s love. The whole thing ruined my day and my night after I got home. I refrained from blogging last night because I knew that I was not in the right state of mind.

As I was driving to Austin early this morning, I turned off the radio and began to think about the situation. I began to formulate my thoughts for my next blog entry. It was going to be a masterpiece. It would be moving and would convey a message. I had it all figured out.

Then I heard those words from Bishop Aymond, “It’s not about you…”

The fact is, little in my life should be about me. Instead, my life should be about God who dwells within me and works through me. I am not called to make a name for myself, for that will only lead to my destruction as it did for our ancestors. I should not look at my reputation, my financial status, or my material possessions as a measuring stick for how good I have done for myself. The only measuring stick I should use is to look at how well I have done at reflecting God’s love to others. After all, it is all about HIM.

Everything that I do in every moment of my life, should lead others to God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. My accomplishments are not my own, they are God’s. My talents are not my own, they are God’s. The church does not belong to me. It belongs to God. He shares in my joy as well as my hurt. My every thought and action should be about Him.

So why, then, should I be upset that someone finds the need to spread false information about me. It does not matter what their intentions were. I should not worry about what they say for I cannot control it. Again, none of this is about me and it is certainly not about them.

Later in the afternoon today, I watched a video that had a simple point to make: Have you ever noticed how when things in nature grow, they grow in silence? For example, a flower makes no noise when it blooms. A sun makes no noise when it sets. When a child grows inside its mother’s womb, it does not speak.

It is an interesting point when you consider it. We grow in our silence. By closing our mouths, quieting our hearts, opening our ears, and dying to ourselves, we grow closer to God the Almighty.

So then, perhaps the way to deal with these frustrating situations involving rumors, etc. is to simply become silent, consider what was said, remember that it is not about you, and allow yourself to grow.

Peace be with you,

Tom

Let me be a Lighthouse

When I moved into my new house, my brother-in-law was gracious enough to bring all of my brother’s possessions to my new house. The stuff was being stored in his basement for the past year. I knew that there were a few treasures in there that I was expecting. For example, the picture below is of my brother standing next to an amazing painting of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. It now hangs in my library:

However, there were some that I uncovered that I did not know my brother had. One of the treasures was a large framed print of a lighthouse. The lighthouse is sitting on a small island that is near a coastline. The best way I can describe it is to picture the high cliffs like the ones at Dover but think southern France or Italy. Everything is really green and plush. The waves are crashing up against the island on which the lighthouse rests. The picture is about five feet wide and I placed it above my bed. I was really happy with the picture for several reasons. First, the picture is mostly a light green and it goes well with the green color I painted my walls. Secondly, it is just a beautiful picture and I wish I had taken it myself.

The first few days of waking up and seeing the picture, I could not understand why my brother purchased this picture. Most of his pictures or paintings were of Jesus, the Vatican, or something to do with Texas A&M. Other than this being a beautiful landscape picture, I was not sure why he had it.

I will never know for sure why my brother had that picture or what it meant to him, but the picture has taken on a new meaning to me. I look at that picture now and realize that the lighthouse in that picture is an excellent metaphor for how we are called to live our lives. Bear with me a little bit, I don’t think this is too far of a stretch.

The purpose of a lighthouse is to guide ship captains along the coastline. The lighthouse emits a bright light that can be seen from miles away. It alerts a ship’s captain to the dangerous terrain of the coastline. It also allows the ship’s captain to navigate from one checkpoint to another. The lighthouse provides the ship’s captain with a sense of comfort that someone else is out there helping them along their journey. The lighthouse is most appreciated on a dark, stormy, or foggy night when it is especially difficult for the captain to find his way.

The lighthouse itself stands tall over the horizon. It is constructed in a manner that is resilient to the elements and is meant to sustain strong winds. The windows of the lighthouse must be kept free from dirt, both on the inside and the outside. When the windows become dirty, the bright light contained within is diffracted and may not reach the captain’s eye. The light must be kept burning. There must be adequate fuel on hand to keep the light burning bright, especially when the elements take their toll.

What about the keeper of the lighthouse? Here is a person, be it a man or a woman (I will use the masculine gender for the sake of ease), who makes a great sacrifice to provide a life saving service. The keeper of the light chooses to live in an area that is often isolated from the rest of the world. The keeper chooses to be in the world and not of the world. The keeper will choose to forego some of the everyday luxuries and comforts that you and I enjoy everyday. The keeper of the light, other than a modest stipend, provides this service for the good of others. I am sure there is a certain type of person who chooses to live in this isolation, but that goes beyond this discussion. The keeper must be dependable and always present. Without his care and efforts, the light may be extinguished. If the light goes out, it does not mean that the captain will not find his way. It simply means that there is a greater likelihood that the ship will crash or will be lost.

When I think about the picture in these terms, I have found a new love for it. I still do not know what it meant to my brother, but I know what it means to me and why I will not part with it. My prayer is that God allow me to be a lighthouse for others. Allow me to stand strong in the midst of storms and foggy times. Allow me to keep my windows clean and emit the light of Christ for others. Allow me to make sacrifices of the keeper so that others may see the light and find their way in life. Lord, let me be a lighthouse.

Pax Tecum,

Tom

St. Paul Says It Better

In my previous posts I have made an attempt at articulating my philosophy on how the difficult times in our lives are what builds our character and draws us closer to God. The times in our lives that we think God can’t possibly be present, are the very moments where He draws us in with a tight and loving embrace. Therefore, these moments are not to be avoided or looked upon with fear or sadness. Instead, we must find in them the opportunity to allow God to hurt along with us and to show us His love for us.

I will admit that I am fairly ignorant of some parts of sacred scripture. As I continue to read, I find words that convey my thoughts and feelings much better than I could ever articulate them. The following is the second reading from the Solemnity of the Holy Trinity. I quote the reading here word for word as I feel that St. Paul, by the grace of the holy spirit, has said it best:

Rom 5: 1-5

“ Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access [by faith] to this grace in which we stand, and boast in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we even boast of our own afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy spirit that has been given to us.”

The gospel reading then goes on to say:

Jn 16:12

“ I have much more to tell you, but you cannot bear it now…”

To me, this single verse, says so much about God’s relationship with each and every one of us. First, God knows all, he is omniscient and omnipotent. That is not a difficult thing to swallow. All of us who believe have come to know that simple fact. The part that I think we overlook is that God knows each and every one of us inside and out. God knows our every thought and emotion. God knows the difference between what we need, what we think we need, and what we want. God is equally present at all times to all of His children and like a good Father, God knows how to provide for us.

God does not give us anything in our lives that we cannot handle. The key to making it through those difficult and stressful times is to allow God to help us along the way. It seems like such a simple concept but we are a proud people. We often refuse the help of others and believe that we gain some sort of power in our independence and our ability to be a “self-made man.” When some people realize that no matter how hard they try, they cannot overcome their difficulties without help, they self-destruct. For some, they give up trying to survive at all.

When times are tough and are the most difficult for us. We must remember that God is there with us during those times. He will not give us anything that we cannot bear with Him, however, if we try to bear the weight of the cross alone, the weight of it all may just crush us altogether.

Pax Tecum,

Tom

Let it Hurt....

The other day I was talking to a friend who was going through a difficult time in her life. To most, her problems may have seemed minor in nature, but the problems were causing her sadness. My first inclination was to say something helpful to her, something that would ease her pain and take away the hurt. The only thing that I could think to tell her was, “let it hurt, but let God hurt along with you.”

After I was done talking to her and was by myself, I began to reflect on the advice I had just given. I was not sure from where those words originated. The words had as much meaning for me and my life as it did for her. Those three words, “let it hurt” make up a difficult lesson that hopefully we all learn at one point in time.

The last year of my life has been difficult to say the least. There have been times of extreme emotional pain and hurt. There have been feelings of helplessness, worry, and misunderstanding. Like most people, when the tough times in my life came about, I did everything I could to bring my life back to normal. I did what I could to avoid feeling the pain and the hurt. I did what I could to be “happy” once again.

It is a natural human instinct to avoid pain. If our hand touches a hot stove, our hand will involuntarily jerk itself away from the heat to prevent further injury. Our body has several ways of protecting itself from injury. When we are hurt and are suffering, we will often pray to God to ease our pain and to bear our cross. However, not all pain and suffering will lead to our demise.

It is in our pain that we are able to turn inward and find our true inner person, the person that God intended for us to be. When we turn inward we are able to ignore all of the external distractions of the world. We are able to worry less about what the world wants us to be and consider more who we truly are.

We are told from a young age that we can control our lives. If we work hard enough and study hard enough we can be whatever we want. We are told that the opportunities for how we can live our lives are endless and we are free to be whatever and whoever we want. Some people spend too much time trying to be what the world wants them to be or what others think that they are. Some people will pursue degrees, careers, or relationships that the world tells them they need to pursue. Living your life in this manner may bring what you think is acceptance and, in turn, a sense of happiness. When things go “according to plan” you are lifted up and rise up. The problem is, the higher you rise, the further you have to fall when those great humbling and painful moments come about.

By examining your inner self and knowing who it is that God wants you to be, you are able to stay grounded. You begin to realize what it is in your life that brings about true happiness, the happiness that does not allow you to position yourself on a pedestal thinking that you are in total control. The pain and suffering of the fall become redemptive. The pain breaks down those false images of what we need to be. The pain tills the soil of our soul so that new growth can occur. We use our faith to water and nurture the seed that God, Himself, has planted. Notice that God loves us too much to just fix our problems. Instead, God suffers with us and continues to show us His love. Let us not forget that God demonstrated His love for us through His own passion, death, and resurrection. The resurrection, though, could not have happened without the crucifixion.

In the end, one of two things happen; we either work through the difficult times and learn from the experience, or we allow the experience to destroy us completely.

I know this entry is a little less developed and organized than the others. I am sorry if it doesn’t make sense, but it is what is on my mind today and I am having difficulty articulating it.

I think I finally have an answer to the age old question, “why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?” My answer is simply, “because He loves us that much.”

Pax Tecum,

Tom

A Sweet Ending...

This morning was one of those mornings where very little went right. I don’t know what the problem with me was this morning. Perhaps I did not get enough sleep. I walked into work and the agitation began. I can’t really explain all of the issues that are going on at work but it was a frustrating morning. To sum it all up, I have a ton of work to do and not enough time to do it all. I tell myself to just put in an honest day’s work and don’t worry about what you do or do not get done. It just seems like there is no end or relief in sight. Some days I deal with this better than others.

Today I did a horrible job of dealing with the stress and it resulted in anger. I saw what was happening but felt powerless to stop it. Finally, at lunch I found some relief. I went to mass and asked God for His forgiveness and His help in dealing with the different issues. It was a good mass. I am not sure that I was able to get myself in the most prayerful mood. For whatever reason, the agitation was hard to let go of and leave at the foot of the cross.

I heard the readings but they did not lead me to any deep reflection like the ones last week. It’s not that the readings were any less meaningful today. I just don’t think that I was in the proper state to receive them. Before mass the agitation and frustration felt like an infection that I could not get rid of. It taught me a good lesson in making sure that there is adequate time to place you in the proper prayerful state before mass. I felt more peace when I left mass, but I certainly was not looking forward to going back to work.

I had to go to another department for most of the afternoon. It was good to be out of the office for a while. One of my co-workers called me a couple of my times on my cell phone but I could not answer. I finally called him back close to around five o’clock. He wanted to know if he could have a piece of the pie that was sitting on my desk. I asked him what pie he was talking about. Apparently while I was out of the office, an older couple who I helped with a problem more than a year ago was in town and dropped off a chocolate pie for me as a way of saying thank you. This couple is special to me for various reasons. They were one of the first couples that I was able to help when I was new to my current assignment. They were just a really neat couple and I was glad that I could make a difference for them. They always seem to show up at the right times.

A few months ago, I was having a morning similar to this one. I was questioning whether or not I wanted to remain in my current assignment and was considering making a change. Later that afternoon this couple showed up to ask me for some advice on an issue. The question they had for me did not pertain directly to my line of work, but they trusted me and wanted to know what I had to say. It was good to see them and great to give them a hug. They were able to remind me why it is that I do what I do. They are the reason that I am able to make it through the difficult moments and the stressful times. Being able to help people in that way is why I got into my job in the first place.

When I returned from work I found the pie on my desk with a note from the couple that simply said, “Enjoy.” I found out that many people were pacing back and forth wondering who the pie was from and if they could have a piece. Suffice to say, I shared the pie and I shared the story of the couple who brought the pie. I was embarrassed by how I had acted earlier in the day. I thank God for the subtle reminder and the sweet ending to my day. Even though I had stumbled and erred in my ways, God picked me up, dusted me off, and showed me His love.

As sweet as the pie was, it will not last. My relationship with the couple and the reminder of what it means to truly help people will remain. My God and His love for me will reign for eternity. The sweetest ending to this day will be reconciling myself with God and His Church through the holy sacrament of confession. I hope all is well with each of you.

Pax Tecum,

Tom

First Few Blogs

Not that anyone cares or I think anyone will read this, but I have decided to blog occasionally. Here are a few other blogs that I have posted on myspace and facebook. If nothing else maybe you will find them entertaining.

May 24, 2007

I am not one who typically blogs much. Mainly, because I do not think that my thoughts or feelings are profound enough that anyone would care to read them. However, today I felt like writing down some of the thoughts I had throughout the day today. I write them mostly for personal reflection and so that I can read them at a later time, but also in case someone else finds meaning in them.

I knew that today would be a difficult day. Today is the one year anniversary of my brother’s death. It seems like more than ten years since the accident. It seems like much more than that since I have heard his voice and saw his smile. He was a good and holy priest and an awesome brother. et lux perpetua luceat ei…

I went to mass this morning and it was one of those days where the readings really spoke to me. The first reading was from Acts. In the reading we hear our Lord tell Paul, “Take courage. For just as you have borne witness to my cause in Jerusalem, so you must also bear witness in Rome.” Just when Paul thinks that the end is near, the Lord tells him he has other plans for Paul. Paul may have had the ending right, but his timing was off. The Lord promises to stay by Paul’s side and protect him on his journey. It is comforting to know that our Lord will never leave our side and will comfort us and protect us in our times of need. It is easy to forget this during our difficult times and times of suffering. The Lord does not give us a cross to bear without giving us the graces necessary to bear it. However, we can choose to ignore and even reject God’s saving grace.

It has been a difficult week. Nothing major has happened but I have had a few hard days where I feel like the devil just kicked my butt. I realize my times of sin and am upset at how I reacted to the situation. It is often said that we should be tabernacles for Christ and take him out into the world. I think it is better said that we should be a monstrance for Christ so that he may be visible to all we meet and not hidden away by a golden door (not my original thought, but one I borrowed; the source is unknown, sorry). I felt as though I kept Christ hidden during these difficult times.

The responsorial psalm had a gentle reminder for me in regards to the devil’s attacks. “Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope.” The psalm goes on to say, “because you will not abandon my soul to the nether world, nor will you suffer your faithful one to undergo corruption.”

The gospel then prompted me to think even more about the world and how we choose to live our lives. In the Gospel John tells us of Jesus’ prayer to his Father, “I pray not only for these, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, so that they may all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they also may be in us, that the world may believe that you sent me. And I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may be brought to perfection as one, that the world may know that you sent me, and that you loved them even as you loved me. Father, they are your gift to me…”

Notice that Jesus prays to the Father that we all be one. Jesus calls for unity. All men and women are made in the image and likeness of God. All men and women are loved by God equally. Jesus and his Father do not want us to be separated. I notice that we (notice I do not say ‘some people’ or ‘they’) will often separate ourselves out from the rest of the world, especially when we do not agree with what a particular person or group is doing with their life. We are quick to point out the faults in others, especially when they are obvious. Sometimes we point this out to ourselves mentally and other times it is verbalized or in our written word. We may be well intentioned at times, but we still separate ourselves even if only in our mind. We fail to see that “those people” even in their misguided moments are also children of God. They are not loved by God any less than us. If they hurt, then we also hurt. We are all members of the mystical body of Christ. So why then do we talk about what our friends do, or how some people do this and others do that? We are at times afraid to recognize our own humanity and our sinfulness because we believe that what we are doing is right. We believe that we are given some sort of credibility to speak about the faults of others because we go to mass and are active in our church. I have said it before and say again, is it not better to see the church in the man than to see the man in church? It is much easier to identify the faults in others and point them out, even pray for them, than it is to turn inward, examine our hearts, minds, and souls and recognize those times where we separate ourselves from God. We must, ourselves be united with God, in order to join ourselves to others. In a book that I recently read by Catherine de Hueck Doherty, she says, “It is by becoming one with the Trinity, which is the uncreated and first community, that we can become one with humanity.”

This does not mean that we should not help those of our brothers and sisters who are separating themselves from God recognize the effect of their actions, but we must do so in a loving and charitable way as if we were the ones in need of the help. We are called to love as Jesus has loved us. Jesus considers us all a gift from the Father. I am sure that He did not ask for a gift receipt, even when the gift he was given was already broken.

I guess my overall point is, we should stop separating ourselves from our brothers and sisters in Christ. If one person suffers, we all suffer. Let us not create more division in the world by drawing lines in the sand. The only time that we should look down on another man is if we are bending over to help him up (again, not mine, source unknown).

I left mass quiet and reflecting on what God just said to everyone who heard mass this day. It was a wonderful way to start the day. As I was driving to work I pulled in behind a vehicle. On the vehicle was a bumper sticker that read, “God bless the world…no exceptions.” (or words to that effect). I responded with one word, verbally, even though I was alone, “Amen.”

Pax tecum,

Tom

May 25, 2007 Friday of the Seventh Week of Easter

“Follow me.”

These two words, when first heard, seem to be such a simple command. Even most animals, when placed in a straight line, will follow the one in front of them without giving it a second thought. We all know one or two people in our lives that we trust enough that we would follow them to the ends of the earth, even in the face of danger. Why then is it such a challenge, when our Lord Jesus Christ commands us to, “Follow me.”? Why do we doubt? Why do we ask for assurances? Why do we not submit completely and follow Him based on faith alone?

We must understand the context in which Jesus tells Peter to follow him. After the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus, Peter is somewhat bewildered and I dare say almost despondent. Despite having received the teachings of our Lord and being assured by our Lord Jesus that everything would be okay, Peter did not know what he was going to do. Of course Peter wanted to be faithful and obedient to Christ, he just was not sure how to go about doing it. Peter was waiting for something, but he was not sure when the something he was waiting for would come. So, Peter, not knowing what he should do, does what he knew best. He went fishing.

Peter and the other disciples cast out their nets in all directions. Each time they cast the nets they hoped to pull in a bountiful harvest. They hoped to pull in food that would sustain them, provide them food, and make for a happy meal. Each time that they cast the nets in the directions of their choosing, they gave up. Then, a stranger appears to them on the shore and asks them if they have caught anything. The stranger then tells them to cast their nets out over the right side of the boat. Peter and the others know that they have already cast their nets in this direction and came up empty. However, they figure it would not hurt anything and so they cast their nets again. We all know that this time, the net catches a large number of fish. Only after the net is pulled up full does Peter realize who the stranger is. Peter then rushes to the shore to greet Jesus.

Then, perhaps one of the most forgotten meals occurs, the first breakfast. This meal is often forgotten in light of the Last Supper. However, this meal is of great importance. Jesus sits down and shares the fish with the disciples. Fish that were caught based on the disciples willingness to listen to our Lord even though they did not know the advice was coming from Him. He then goes on to give further instruction to Peter and I will reflect on that a bit later.

We all have moments in our lives when we are not sure what God’s will is for us. We wonder what it is that God wants us to do with our lives, our relationships, our jobs, our education, or our vocation. Last night I attended the graduation for our local high school students. Several of the kids were parishioners at my church. I know many of them were wondering what would come next in their lives. Many were no doubt praying to know God’s will for their life. If only God would tell us in no uncertain terms what it is that he wants us to do, we would do it with great vigor. If only we could hear that voice from the shore telling us what to do.

Not having a clear idea of what God wants, we cast out our nets. Unfortunately the directions in which we cast our nets are not always the same as God would have us cast them. We look for happiness and God’s will in the wrong places. For some people, they seek out a relationship that, while it makes them feel comfortable, loved, and secure, the relationship is often harmful to the person and his or her relationship with God. The relationship, due to its faults and the fact that it is based on a foundation of sand instead of stone, leads the person to sin and away from God. For others, they remain in a situation that they know does not provide them an opportunity to grow as individuals and grow in their love for God. We sometimes choose to remain where we are and do nothing to change our lives because we fear the unknown. Still others will be so worried about choosing God’s will that they will miss that gentle calling from God to cast out their nets. They will discount the voice as being that of a stranger or our inner conscience and not that of God. They do not here Christ say, “Follow me.” Some hear Him say the words but want to know where Christ is taking them first before they will go.

And finally, there are those who have little regard for the will of our Lord. They have lost hope or perhaps faith and cast out their nets in very dangerous directions. I am speaking of those of us who look for happiness in sex, pornography, masturbation, drugs, alcohol, abuse of others, or material possessions. While it seems that these nets catch a lot of fish at times, the fish are too small and slip through the holes in the nets. The fish are never quite enough to sustain us and provide us the nourishment we need. In fact, they poison our minds and souls and continue to separate us from God.

My prayer to God for me and each and every one of us is that the Holy Spirit will give us the grace to open our ears to the calling of our Lord to cast out our nets and reap a bountiful harvest. May we have the faith necessary to follow the Lord without worry, without question, and without doubt the He will lead us to the Father.

“I love you.”

These three words when said with the proper meaning and full of heart are three of the most powerful words in any language. When said properly they can comfort those in pain or despair, they can give hope to those who feel lost, they can bring great joy to a father or mother when they are said by their children, and they can strengthen a bond between a man and a woman. However, I believe that these three words have had their meaning diluted due to the improper use of them and saying them without knowing what they mean.

To find the meaning of love one could look in a dictionary. There are all sorts of technical, philosophical, and psychological meanings of the word love. However, for the purposes of this reflection I will stick with the most complete definition that I know. Deus Caritas Est. God is love. Jesus tells us to love one another as he has loved us. We have been given the perfect model of love and yet we do not always follow it. We allow our lust to be called love. We allow our affections or affinities to be called love. We even allow our addictions to be called love. Our society’s definition of love has become so muddled that the words have almost lost their meaning. True love is to lay one’s life down for your friends. True love means giving yourself totally and completely to another. True love means wanting what is best for another person even if it means it will cause you some difficulty or hardship. True love is in the Eucharist. True love is Christ’s passion, death, and resurrection.

So why then does Peter become upset when the Lord asks him three times, “Do you love me?” Peter tells the Lord that of course he loves him and that the Lord knows that he loves them. Peter has forgotten or chooses to ignore that just recently he denied that he even knew Jesus three times. During a time when Peter had a great opportunity to demonstrate his love for Jesus, he was nowhere to be found. Please do not think that I am bashing Peter here. There comes a time in all of our lives where we fail to demonstrate our love for our Lord Jesus Christ. We deny him countless times. We ignore the opportunities he gives us to demonstrate our love. We even fail to allow ourselves to feel God’s love and mercy. How many times must the Lord ask each one of us, “do you love me,” before we give a meaningful and truthful response?

The Lord tells Peter then to “tend my sheep,” and to “feed my sheep.” If Peter really loves the Lord then he will love God’s people and lead them to Christ. The next time that you say the words, “I love you,” say them with meaning. Let there be no need for someone to wonder whether or not they are loved by you. Do not simply say the words but show them by your actions that you love them. And then, having discovered the meaning of what it is to love, listen to our Lord Jesus Christ as he says, “Come. Follow me.”

Pax Tecum,

Tom

May 26, 2007

Being a new homeowner, I have learned many things. One thing I have learned is to never expect something to be installed, delivered, or repaired correctly the first time. You can hope that all goes well, but you certainly should not expect it. Today I was working on installing my DSL service. I had received the hardware in the mail, I had received the phone call from Verizon saying that everything was good to go, and I read all the instructions. I am not a techno geek by any means but I would like to think that I am competent in reading and following instructions.

I followed Verizon’s instructions word for word. I went to connect to the internet and nothing happened. I rebooted the computer, the modem, the computer and the modem; I tried everything. Finally I decided to give up my pride and call the technical assistance line. I spent thirty minutes on the phone with a very patient man named Mohammed. He tried all that he could think of and then passed me along to a man he said was more talented than him. The second man, Brian, could not help me either. The end result of my hour of frustration was that there was a technical problem with the “wiring in the central office.” I was told to try my luck in 48 hours and if it was not fixed call back. I was a little frustrated but not upset. The situation was obviously out of these two gentlemen’s control.

While working with the DSL guys something more profound happened. My doorbell rang while I was on the phone and I answered the door with the phone in my ear. The man at the door was with DirectTV and he was coming to do an installation. He had picked up my newspaper off my driveway and handed it to me. I apologized to him for being on the phone and explained to him what was going on. I asked him to come inside and wait for me for a few minutes. I knew this man probably had other installations scheduled and I felt bad for making him wait. He patiently came in and stood in the foyer. I had to walk back into the kitchen where my laptop was and do something on my computer for the DSL guy.

After several minutes, I went to apologize again to the older gentleman from DirectTV. It was raining outside at the time and I knew that he was probably not looking forward to putting up a satellite dish in the rain. I did not see him in the foyer and was not sure where he went. I started to walk into my library which is located just to the left of my front door. Before I go on, I want to briefly describe the library. The room was originally intended as a formal dining area or a study. I painted the walls a deep maroon and lined the walls with bookcases. On one wall is a painting of Jesus of Divine Mercy. On the other wall is the central focus of the room, a painting of the Sacred Heart of Jesus that belonged to my brother. I have other pictures of Pope JP II the Great, my brother, and my father displayed in the room. There are two large overstuffed chairs in the room making it a great place to read, pray, or just relax.

As I rounded the corner to the library, I saw that the gentleman from DirectTV had removed his hat and was on bended knee in prayer in front of the painting of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. The scene was beautiful and touched me greatly. There have been many delivery people in an out of my house over the course of the past week. Several of my friends and family members have also been through the house. I had not observed any of them pay such tribute to Our Lord as this man. I should say here that just because I did not observe them does not mean that they did not pay tribute.

I backed away quietly so as not to disturb the gentleman and went back to the kitchen. When I got off the phone, the man came out and politely asked me what he could do for me today. He then put on his rain coat, grabbed his ladder, and went to work outside in the rain. He worked hard and took great care not to damage my house. He assured me several times that he would take care of my house and would not make a mess. Of course, I instantly believed him and knew that his word was all that I needed.

Today was just another example to me that God speaks to us in some of the most beautiful yet subtle ways. It is through these everyday, almost insignificant events, that God reminds us of His love and bolsters our hope in our fellow man.

Pax tecum,

Tom

May 29, 2007

There’s no place like home…

So I have not written anything in a couple of days. I have been busy this weekend attempting to get my house situated. I never knew there was so much to do in a new house. My internet did not get fixed until this morning so I did not have an opportunity to post anything anyway.

Two of my friends from church came over on Sunday afternoon and Monday evening to help me put some things in place. My kitchen now has a fresh layer of shelf paper on all of my shelves, cabinets, drawers, etc. Another major task was accomplished in putting all of my books and my brother’s books onto the shelves in my library. At first I did not think they would all fit, but we got them all on the shelf. Of course, I cannot buy anymore because they would not fit. The library is spectacular and is by far my favorite room in the house. It is a great room to read, visit, pray or whatever.

Today after work I went to Linens N Things. I never knew how dangerous that store can be…even for a guy. I am not all that talented in the decorating area, but just because I am a bachelor does not mean my house has to look that way. The days of hand me down furniture, mix and match towels, and beer signs on the wall are over. College was fun, but after being out of school for six years, it is time to live like an adult. I got a female friend to help me at Linens N Things. I about choked when I went to check out. It was an experience I don’t want to talk about.

However, one thing that I realized is that once you get everything home and put into place, it looks fantastic. You tend not to think about what it cost you and you take a great deal of pride in what you own. I don’t want to give the impression that I went on a spending spree and am living beyond my means because I didn’t. I do finally have nice things though and am seeing the fruits of my many nights working the hospital for extra money and other jobs like that.

My roommate saw the expression on my face tonight and knew that I was happy with how things were coming together. I am proud of my home. I realize how abundantly God has blessed me with everything that I have. Despite a difficult year, I realize I am blessed. Just thinking about it all brings me to tears.

I told my roommate that when I was young I did not like to have friends over to my house. I am ashamed to admit this now as an adult, but as a child I was embarrassed to bring my friends over to my house. My father was disabled from a stroke and was not always able to control his emotions. It made for some embarrassing moments if someone who did not understand his illness was at the house. I realize how incredibly shallow and disgusting that is, but cut me some slack, I was 8 – 13 years old. It was nobody’s fault; it was just my own insecurity. My mother did everything in her power to give me a happy childhood and she succeeded. I love her dearly for that.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I am proud to have a house where I can have my friends over at any minute. Almost everything in the house was bought and paid for by my efforts at work and my career. There are many things in this house that remind me of who I am and how far in life I have come. I am blessed more than I deserve with a beautiful home, beautiful friends, beautiful family, and a beautiful life.

God Bless,

Tom