God is a friend of mine...literally!!

In reading the Bible, especially the Old Testament, we hear stories of the great prophets to whom God spoke directly and revealed His faith. We have heard the stories of the holy saints to whom Our Lady or Our Lord Jesus Christ has appeared. I do not doubt any of these occurrences, but there have been times in my life when I wondered if God ever spoke to me. I did not think that I could hear His voice. At times, I certainly could not see Him in my life and there were even times when I could not see Him in others.

After the death of my brother, I begged God to speak to me. I wanted to hear that booming voice in the clouds. If only God would tell me what He wanted me to do with my life, I would do as I was told. I wanted to be faithful. I thought that if I did everything right and according to His Word, my life would straighten out. I kept looking for that certified letter from God in the mail telling me what to do. The letter never came. I did not get a phone call. I did not get an email from Him. I certainly did not feel like my prayer to Him was “working.”

August 26, 2006, at approximately three in the morning, I got a page on my work pager that would change my life and the lives of several others. I was called out as the on-call investigator for a train accident. I will not go into the details of the accident out of respect for those involved, but I will say that it was one of the most difficult and heart wrenching things I have ever seen. I had the unfortunate task of listening to the friends of the young man who was killed in the accident as they recounted the accident. I had the responsibility of notifying the young man’s family. The circumstances in which the parents were notified were less than ideal and I did not feel good about it, but it was the best I could do. Having made that type of call many years before when my father passed and having received the call just three months prior after my brother was killed in an accident, I did not want to tell a father that his son was not coming home.

Slowly the accident and other events in my life were eating away at me from the inside out. I was not dealing with them well and I gradually started to break down. On Sunday, September 3^rd I went to mass. I struggled through most of mass and was hurting. I walked out of mass and my priest could see it on my face as he asked, “Are you okay?” I told him the truth and I said, “No.” He asked if I wanted to talk and I said, “No offense Father, but not with you. I need to talk to Him,” and I pointed to the adoration chapel. I went into the chapel, hit my knees, and begged God to carry my cross for me. I asked Him to ease the pain and to let me know that everything would be okay. I left the chapel feeling as though God must not have heard me because I certainly could not hear Him.

The next day was Labor Day and I was off of work. I was sitting on the couch when my cell phone rang. I did not recognize the number on the caller ID. I listened to the voicemail later and it was the father of the young man who was killed in the train accident. Just over one week ago, his son was killed in an accident, and yet, he took the time to call me and thank me for what I had done. He thanked me for dealing with the situation in a compassionate and professional manner. I could not believe that a man in his situation would even give a person like me, a near stranger, a second thought. It was at that moment that I realized I heard God’s voice. I cried when I realized that God was answering my prayer through a person I had never met face to face. I had heard God’s voice and it renewed my faith that I thought had been all but lost.

Throughout the last year of my life, there has been one constant source of encouragement. After my brother’s death I learned that his favorite verse in scripture was Romans 8:28:

“We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”

As I went through the struggles of this past year I would constantly remind myself of this verse. Gradually, I came to believe in the verse which is definitively different than being able to recite it. At some point, I started passing the verse on to others when they were worried or anxious about the future.

As the year went on and the first anniversary of my brother’s death came and went, I began to face fewer and fewer struggles and difficult times. The good times and grace filled moments began to outnumber the difficult times. I began to be happy again. I had found joy in the simplest parts of life. My prayer life took on a life of its own and God did many wonderful things in my heart. There are a few people, some who are reading this now, that were with me along the journey and I thank them for their encouragement and love.

This past week I was blessed more than I could ever deserve. I was offered a full time position in service to my church. When I was first approached with the opportunity, I quickly dismissed it and thought it to be impossible. I rejected the idea. Slowly I realized that it was God calling me to service and I did not have a good reason for saying, “no.” I accepted the position and will start my new job soon. Despite the amazing opportunity I did have some angst, worry, and uncertainty about my future. In my prayer I asked God if I was doing the right thing. I told Him that I trusted in Him and would work hard at being faithful to Him. I was not waiting for an answer nor was I really expecting one.

This morning, after being out of the office for a brief time, I returned to my desk and saw an email from a guy who used to be a co-worker of mine. This co-worker left our place of work to take another job in Houston, TX. He sent me an email to tell me that he heard I was leaving my job to work for my church. He told me that he was excited that I was following God’s call in my life. He then went on to ask me if I knew what was in store for my future and then went on to say the following:

“Whatever it is, this scripture came to mind from Romans 8: And we know that in all things God works for good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

My eyes welled up with tears and I ran to show a few of my friends the email. I had never told this friend of mine what Romans 8:28 meant to me. I had not told too many people my new found appreciation for the verse. This person in particular had no other reason to pass that verse on to me other than giving way to God’s voice. Was it a coincidence? I think not. Was it God’s providence? You cannot convince me otherwise.

If ever you cannot hear God’s voice, if ever you doubt that He answers our prayers, just listen to what it is that others are saying to you. God waits for those moments when we take our hands off our ears and listen to His gentle whispers that go straight to our hearts from the mouths of our friends.

It wasn't just my ears that God had fixed so that I could hear Him. After putting a little mud in my eyes, He cured my blindness and allowed me to see Him in those around me. As I sat at dinner tonight with a group of friends that I have grown to love, I realized that God does not always need to send an email or pick up a phone to tell us that He loves us. As I looked around the table, it was the little things that reminded me of God’s love. The love of a husband for his wife of many years, the concern of a woman who makes God and service to her church a priority, the loving heart of a priest and a deacon who take time out of their busy schedules to be with their people, and the laughter and fellowship of a friend who has been there every step of the way this past year, were all I needed to remember that God is love and He is present in those closest to me.

I thank God for the ability to not only hear His voice as He speaks to me, but the ability to see His face in those sitting around the table with me. After much reflection, I have come to a fairly significant conclusion: God is a friend of mine….literally!

Deus Caritas Est,

Tom

The Joy of the Journey

I remember as a child, whenever my family would prepare to go on a family vacation, my mother would clean the house from top to bottom. I always asked mom why she made such a fuss about the house being clean when no one was even going to be there to see it. At first I thought that maybe it was because she wanted one less thing to worry about when she got back. I think another part of it was, that if something happened to us, God forbid, a relative would not come in to find our house in disarray.

As I got older and able to drive, I realized that I loved to take road trips in my car. I would always make sure that the oil had been changed recently, the gas tank was full, my course was carefully mapped out so as to make perfect time, and the right CD’s were selected and just an arm’s reach away. I was very methodical and planned for almost every occasion.

Just a few weeks ago I took a trip to visit a friend of mine who lives in Banquete, TX. The drive is approximately four and a half hours. As I was leaving College Station, I was focused on taking the right roads and making good time. I had never been to Banquete so I was worried about whether I would be able to find my way. A friend of mine told me about one of the old painted Catholic churches that is located in High Hill near Schulenburg, TX. I was told that I had to stop and visit to see the beauty of the church. As I drove through Schulenburg I looked desperately for the sign that told me where to turn to go to High Hill. For one reason or another, I missed the sign telling me where to turn. I realized that I was excited about my time in Banquete. I was focusing on the things that I was going to do and the conversations that I was going to have. I was focused on my destination.

I had a wonderful time in Banquete. I drove back to College Station completely relaxed and ready to face the challenges that awaited me when I returned home. I noticed things along the drive that I had not noticed the first time. As I passed through Schulenburg, my attention was directed towards a sign on the side of the road. Lo and behold, there was a sign for St. Mary’s Church in High Hill. I applied the brakes a little too rapidly for the current conditions and did not take into account the swiftness of the oncoming traffic but by God’s grace alone, I made the turn without injury.

I was rewarded for my faithfulness in following the sign. I do not think that my words will adequately express the beauty of this church. I fully expected to find the church locked up tight at 6:30pm on a Sunday night, but I found the front doors open. I walked into the Church and I felt my breath taken from me instantly. The beauty was overwhelming. I walked up towards the front of the church and cautiously took my place in a pew. I began to recite Evening Prayer which is something I was recently taught how to do. I was looking up at a statue of Mary which is at one of the highest points above the altar. As I began to pray the Magnificat, I experienced a feeling that I had not felt before. It felt similar to the feeling when you get a chill or find yourself getting goose bumps, however, it lasted the entire time I prayed our Blessed Mother’s prayer. I was struck dumb and filled with joy at the same time. I got up and left the church and drove the next fifty miles with the widest eyes you have ever seen. It was truly a wonderful and grace filled moment.

After reading all of that you are probably wondering what my point in telling the story is. By now, if you have been reading my blog you will know that while the following point I have to make is simple and easy to grasp, it will take many words to convey it.

Life is a journey. This is a metaphor that we have all heard and sometimes take for granted. Hopefully, all of us have the goal of being faithful to God and obtaining eternal salvation in Heaven. The destination for all of us is clearly defined. However, there are many different routes that we can take and sometimes the routes we plan do not always work out.

Knowing that we are about to embark on a journey, we prepare ourselves. We educate ourselves in our faith. We learn many lessons in life that allow us to obtain the physical goods necessary for the journey. We try to maintain good health. We want to make sure that our bodies will stand up to the rigors of the journey we call life. However, at times, we spend so much time in preparation that we lose sight of the journey itself. In today’s times many of us have said that we are too busy to get more involved in church. We are too busy to spend quality time with our family. We are too busy to take a vacation, too busy to get a good night’s sleep, to read the Bible, or too busy to exercise. We are so busy planning for the journey of life and making sure that we have the physical objects we think we need as sustenance that we get hypnotized by the road ahead and miss what we are passing by.

Once we do finally embark on the journey, some of us are too focused on the destination to enjoy the path we take. That or we are so convinced that we know the path we need to take, that when a detour is put in our path, we completely give up and lose our way. Sometimes despite the warning signs of fatigue, illness, depression, or physical pain we continue on our path instead of listening to the signs that tell us to take a different direction. We know the path that we are on is not good for us but we put our nose to the ground and push forward. We do this because we believe that we know the way and if we try hard enough we can get where we are going without asking directions. When things are bad we push forward because we believe that there is something greater and better waiting for us once we finally reach our destination.

The journey need not be overly difficult. God does not expect us to know everything that lays ahead of us on the road to salvation. Our Lord Jesus does not expect us to know the way that is why He tells us, “Come, follow me.” He is the way, the truth, and the life.

God does not ask us to plan for five days from now, five years for now, or even fifty years from now. God does not want us to live for the future. He wants us to live for today. How many times have you told yourself, if only I can get through tomorrow things will get better. Eventually you tell yourself, if only I can get through next week or next month, everything will be better. In the process of waiting for something better we miss what we already have. A good and very holy priest recently said in a homily, “we should not pray for the things that we want, we should pray that we want the things that we already have.” God does not want us to live for the future. He wants us to live for today.

Occasionally when we are headed down the wrong path in life, God will let us know. Like the good Father, or the gentle shepherd, He will seek us out and guide us back to the flock. Sometimes the roadblock is a gentle suggestion of conscience to change our path. Other times, the road in front of us completely disappears until we decide to turn to God and ask Him to show us the way.

What about the destination? Are any of us sure where we are truly headed? Is the love and glory of God our Father something distant and far off? Four weeks ago we heard the answer from the book of Deuteronomy, “This commandment that I command you is not too hard for you; neither is it far off. It is not in heaven that you should say, ‘Who will go up for us to heaven, and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us, and bring it to us, that we may hear and do it?’ But the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart, that you can do it”

Knowing that, we need not look for God in far off places. He is in our heart. We have Him now. We need not worry about where we are going so long as God is in our hearts and leading the way.

In my own life I have learned that God sometimes leads you in a direction that you never think you would have gone on your own. In fact, sometimes He leads you down a road that you do not think your are equipped to deal with or qualified for, but in the end, you realize that by doing your best to be faithful to Him and paying attention to the direction in which He leads you, you finally start to notice the beauty of the journey itself.

So, my advice to everyone including myself is to slow down, turn off the radio of life, roll down the windows, take in the fresh air, and enjoy the ride with God at your side and let Him lead the way.

Pax Tecum,

Tom

"Mary has chosen the better part..."

This past weekend I had the privilege of taking thirteen members of our youth group to the Zion Retreat. The retreat was held at St. Thomas More Parish in Austin, TX. It was an amazing weekend and I really enjoyed myself. The following is a brief excerpt from my prayer journal that I wanted to share with you:

“I am at St. Thomas More Parish in Austin for the Zion trip. I am here with thirteen of our wonderful kids from STAY (St. Thomas Aquinas Youth). The kids are in their small groups right now so I have some free time.

I wish that I was able to write down every thought or movement of the heart. I have had some great prayer experiences this weekend. Last night the kids were working on something in the parish hall. It was fairly quiet and they were playing some soft music. I was talking to Betsy (one of the other CORE team members) and we both got quiet. I felt a strong urge to take my rosary out and pray so I did. Since it was Friday I prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries. However, this was the first time that I prayed the rosary by myself without my prayer books. I don’t know that I did it perfect, but I definitely did it with a pure heart. It was a profound moment for me for two reasons.

The first reason is that I realized how much progress I have made, by the power of the Holy Spirit, over the course of the last year in terms of my prayer life. Last year I could not really say the rosary with a prayer book much less spontaneously. I was focused during the prayer and I was praying because I wanted to and not because I needed to or felt obligated to.

The second reason is that I realized that I was in the middle of a crowded room praying. I am typically a private person and tend to not let very many people see who I truly am. Even those who feel they are the closest to me don’t always get to see the real me. However, as I was praying, I felt as if no one else was in the room. It was a conversation between me and God. Also, I did not care if anyone saw me and I wasn’t doing it so that they would. My heart was just moved very strongly to stop and pray.

Another interesting point about this particular rosary was that I was not praying for myself. I have always prayed for others but typically in the past, when I have been moved to pray it was because I needed God’s help. I was praying intently for the spiritual growth of all of the teens in the room. I was also praying for a particular teen who could not come on the retreat. When I finished I put the rosary back in my pocket. I looked around the room and nothing had changed. It was as if time had stopped while I was praying. It was a great experience.

This morning I got to enjoy an ice cold shower in the shower trailer. It was a little bit painful but I was thankful for the opportunity to be clean. We had quite a bit of free time this morning while the kids were doing other things, including confession. I took the opportunity to go to a little grotto area that they have here at the church. There is a statue of there of the Blessed Virgin Mary and some benches there. I sat and fed the mosquitoes while I prayed the rosary. Again, I prayed for one of the teens who could not make the trip. When I was done, I realized that both the mosquitoes and I were very hungry. God fed both of us during that rosary.

I then walked the Stations of the Cross that they have in a wooded area here. It was a nice morning and a good walk. I am not sure that I can articulate what I was feeling at the time. All I know is that for the first time in a long time, I knew that I was not making that walk alone.

After the walk, I went back to the parish hall where they were doing some praise and worship. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a horrible singer. However, I did not care. I sang because I was singing to God and He thinks I sound great. I closed my eyes, opened my hands, and poured my heart out to the Lord. The funny thing is, it felt right. I did not feel awkward and I was not self-conscious. The Holy Spirit was working within me. I did not want it to end.

So, sitting here now several hours later, I have to ask myself, “Why is it so easy on a retreat to be in tune with the Holy Spirit and not at home?” The answer, at least for me, is the environment. While on a retreat, I am free from the many distractions that exist in our lives. I am free from most temptations to sin. I am surrounded by other people who have freely chosen to take off their masks and be who they really are. I am with people who have freely chosen to put God first, others second, and themselves third.

The challenge then is how to be the same in the secular world as I am on the retreat. It is no small challenge.”

So, maybe that entry was not so brief but it helps me with my next point. The Gospel reading this week was the story of Martha and Mary. Jesus comes to visit the house of Martha and Mary. Mary (not his mother) chooses to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to his teachings. Martha, on the other hand, is scurrying about the house cleaning, cooking, and trying to make sure everything is perfect for the guests. Martha becomes upset with her sister for not helping and asks Jesus to tell Mary to help her.

Sometimes in life we need to stop what we are doing and sit at the feet of the Lord. For me, the gospel was lived out while on a retreat in Austin. Once I slowed myself down and freed myself from the weight of anxiety and stress, I was able to hear God speak to me. I was able to spend time with Him and feel His presence. Had I not sat down like Mary, surely I would have missed what He had to say.

And so now I say Amen even louder as I hear Jesus’ words to Martha:

“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her.” Luke 10:41

Pax Tecum,

Tom

La...la...la...la

One of the most frustrating things for me is to have a conversation with someone who simply will not listen to what you are trying to say. We have all had those conversations where both you and the person that you are talking to are absolutely convinced that they have the entire truth about the topic of conversation. There is no convincing them. There is no relenting in your own position. It becomes a dual monologue duel instead of a dialogue. Often times we find ourselves simply waiting for the other person to stop talking so that we can convince them of our point of view.

As children, we had a much simpler way of dealing with the problem. If our parents or our friends told us something that we did not want to hear, we quickly enacted the most rational, most mature, most effective plan that we could so as not to be convinced that we were wrong. We would cover our ears and shout in a loud voice, “La…la…la…la…I can’t hear you!” We would continue to do this until the other person finally gave up and stopped talking.

I got to wondering. How often do you think that God sees us as those stubborn little children with their hands over their ears making an active effort to ignore Him? The fact is God speaks to us in a very real way. There were many times growing up where I became distraught because I could not hear God speaking to me. There would be tragic situations in my life or on the news and I would ask myself, “Where is God in this?” Other times I would pray and pray only to have my prayer seemingly unanswered. I thought that I was unable to hear God speak to me.

I think we all generally agree that it is good to do what God wants us to do. We would be happy to submit to His will if only we knew what it was. If you got a certified letter from God telling you exactly what He wanted you to do with your life and guaranteed you happiness if you followed the plan, would you follow it? I think most of us would. I think we strive to please God in most situations. The problem is that we are unable to hear God speaking to us. We put obstacles in the way that prevent us from hearing His voice. Our pride, our sin, our fear, our inability to trust, our desire for pleasure, our conceit, our self-love, our lust, our gluttony, our greed, and many other negative traits prevent us from hearing God’s voice.

Eventually, we learn that most of us will not hear God speaking to us in the form of a flaming bush or a loud clap of thunder. Instead we hear God speak to us in the silence of our hearts. We also hear God speak to us through the words and actions of others. God is constantly speaking to us, however, we cannot hear him if we have our hands over our ears. We must lower our hands, humble ourselves, and admit that perhaps we do not know what is best for us.

Just because something gives us pleasure does not mean that it will bring us happiness. I think often times people equate pleasure with happiness. For example, some people find smoking a cigarette pleasurable, but that does not mean it will bring that person happiness. Sex with a prostitute may be described as pleasurable to some, but rarely, I think, would it bring happiness. I am not trying to say that nothing that is pleasurable will not lead to happiness. In fact, if you look at a synonym for happiness, it says, “providential,” meaning something that happens or results from divine providence (i.e. the will of God).

That line of thinking would lead one to believe, as do I, that happiness comes from doing God’s will. So we tell ourselves, “Well if He would just tell me what He wants, I would do it.” God does tell us what He wills for us. God wants us to love. God wants us to know that we are loved. God wants us to trust Him. God wants us to follow the example that He has given to us in our Lord Jesus Christ.

God also speaks to us everyday in scripture. This past week in the scripture we have heard the prophet Elijah and our Lord Jesus Christ challenge those around them to stop what they are doing and come and serve the Lord. Most of them made an excuse as to why they could not follow God right away. Some said they had to bury their father first. Notice they did not say that they would not follow. They simply made an excuse as to why they could not do it at that time, except for Matthew. When Jesus challenged Matthew to, “Follow me,” Matthew promptly got up and went without asking any questions. When Jesus sent the seventy-two out to prepare the way for Him, they went and listened to his instructions. They quickly realized the power they had and the joy that they had in listening to God’s word and doing His will.

As much as we try to be faithful and listen for God’s voice, at times we simply cannot hear Him. In my own life these past two weeks, I have been consumed with worry, fear, angst, and at times anger. I realized that this behavior was the equivalent to me having my hands over my ears. I think at some point God may have stopped talking and just waited for me to allow myself to listen. Once I opened myself up and put myself into His hands, I was able to hear Him once again.

I know that I am human and that there will be times when, despite my quest for a holier and more faithful life, I will stand in the way of God. However, my prayer is that God will give me the grace to recognize those moments where I am covering my ears and preventing His loving words from getting through. God does answer every prayer. He answers each prayer not with what you want or when you want it, but with what you need and on His schedule for when you need it.

Happiness stems from Providence. Open your ears and hear His voice.

Pax Tecum,

Tom