This is me...

Most of the posts on here have stemmed from various connections that I have made between the everyday parts of life and scripture. I often speak in metaphors and clichés to illustrate a point that was made for me. Tonight is different. Tonight, I am going to take a risk. Tonight I am just going to tell you about me. I am going to tell you what is going on in my life and how it makes me feel. More than likely it will not apply to your situation in life and it may not provide any great inspiration, but I feel the need to share it. There are some who will read this who I have no problem being vulnerable in front of and others who will simply laugh and call me weak. All I can say is that I am human and this is me:

I took off work today from my job at the police department (for some reason I think that is the first time where I have actually said where I work) and worked at my new job with the church. I had several meetings throughout the day and began to list all of the many things I wanted to accomplish in my new position. I realized that some of them will be accomplished with ease while others would require quite a bit of assistance. Overall, I was excited about the possibilities and looking forward to my new job. I looked forward to the opportunity to serve God through serving others on a full time basis.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about my feelings as I make the transition from one job to the other. The transition has been anything but easy. When I learned that I had been offered the position at the church, I was filled with joy. I have known for some time now that my heart was not in my job as a police officer anymore. For various reasons, I grew away from that job and there were parts of it that were difficult to cope with. I realized that the job was changing who I was. I was becoming a person I did not respect. I was becoming a person that I could not live with. I certainly was not showing Christ to others by the way I lived. I did not set an example as a man of integrity, virtue, patience, and respect. I lost my cool numerous times, I pointed out the faults in others, I disrespected my supervisors (albeit sometimes they were flat out wrong in their actions), and I had stopped smiling at work. The job had become the onion to my Crème Brulee (see previous post).

I do not blame the job. I do not hold any resentment towards anyone at the job. I treasure my time at the police department. I value the relationships that I have made. There are people at that department that started the same day I did and I thought I would be there when they finished. I have family at the department. Being a cop is not a job that you do, it is who you are, a part of you at least. Part of me wishes that my heart had not changed and that I could still be happy in doing the job. Part of me wishes that the circumstances of my life had not changed.

I was working the hospital in uniform this past weekend for the last time. I got really sad. When I am in uniform I feel like a cop the most. I remembered all of the good times that I had a few years ago when I was working a beat on patrol alongside my best friend. I remember the fights we got into with bad guys. I remember the bad guys we took off the streets. I remember riding down the street in my best friend’s jeep at three in the morning listening to Windfall by Son Volt on the radio as we headed to the police department to do the arrest reports for two coin machine burglars that we had just caught while off duty at his apartment. I remember the time the two of us got locked into a pool at an apartment complex and debated as to whether we would call for help or climb the tall iron fence with points at the top of it and risk goring ourselves. I realized then that I still love police work. Then I realized that those were times that I left behind two years ago and not things that I was walking away from this week.

Tonight I had dinner with the friend and his wife. The two of them are about to have their first child in a few weeks. My friend and I talked about where we had been, what we had done, where we are now, and where we may be going in life. I realized then that he is no longer the same person as he was during those times mentioned above. The circumstances of his life have changed dramatically and he has changed along with them for the better. I can only hope that I adjust as well as he has. It has been fun watching him on his journey through life the past few years.

I realized tonight that it is okay to feel sad about leaving the department. It does not mean I made a mistake in doing so. I firmly believe that God is calling me in a different direction and I am doing my best to align my will with His. Even though the separation is painful, I feel I must go. I hope the people at the department understand. I hope they know that I am leaving what is comfortable, financially secure, and familiar in search of who it is that God wants me to be. In a lot of ways I am leaving my family for the past seven years. Just like any cop, I tend to want to plan my approach in life and gain as much intel as I can before I act. This time I am going in on faith alone.

As for the people at the church, I hope they realize that it is not easy to leave this career behind. The people I work with at the police department are some of the most dedicated servants in this community. Each one of us is flawed in some way but the truth of the matter is, the police officers lay their lives down on the line for their friends everyday and man hath no greater love.

I realize now that the past year is not something to regret or to run away from in a bitter manner. This past year God has worked me over with a coarse grain of sandpaper and has shaped me into a better person. At times he used a pick axe and it hurt quite a bit, but I like what He has done. I am excited about the work He has left to do. I realize now that some of the events of this past year were the road signs that I talked about in the Joy of the Journey post. I think it just took me up until now to have enough courage to turn when God said turn.

So bear with me as I go through these next few days of transition. They will not be easy. Saying goodbye is always hard. I feel like I have already had to do it too many times, but I know there will be more. I ask for your support. I ask for your patience and I ask for your prayers. After all, this is me….

Pax Tecum,

Tom

There are no onions in Creme Brulee....EVER!!!

I know that this probably is and probably will be the strangest title of one of my blogs. However, it is somewhat of an inside joke that I am willing to share in an attempt to demonstrate a connection that was made for me.

Today I was driving back from Hutto, TX where I had the distinct privilege of watching my youngest nephew get baptized. My brother and his wife asked me to be the godfather and I happily accepted. I now have four beautiful godsons. One more and I will have a basketball team. Anyway, I realized today that I do some of my deeper thinking while I am driving. Maybe deep is the wrong word. Perhaps I am just stretching my mind outside of its normal course of thought.

Last Sunday night, a group of friends and I went to a very nice restaurant in College Station to celebrate a friend’s birthday. This restaurant is a pretty classy place. In fact, you walk in and almost forget where you are. It was the type of restaurant where you order each course individually and hopefully pair it with the right wine or cocktail. If you are like me, you swallow your pride, admit your ignorance, and ask the sommelier to choose the wine for you.

The food was excellent, albeit a little pricy. The meal as a whole appears slightly pretentious or gluttonous at first. However, you quickly realize that you are paying not only for the food, but for the total dining experience. This includes being surrounded by close friends, enjoying each other’s company, and experiencing great service. Each course came out of the kitchen better than the one before it. That is, until we came to dessert.

Three people at the table ordered Crème Brulee. One of the people at the table noticed that there was something wrong with the way his Crème Brulee tasted. He asked the person sitting next to him if her Crème Brulee tasted alright. They both eventually came to the conclusion that the dessert tasted like onions. We looked over at the third person who ordered the same dessert and he was eating it with a smile on his face obviously enjoying his selection of treats. When my friend told me about the onion taste I thought he was crazy. He asked me to try the dessert and sure enough, there was a strong onion flavor. Two of the desserts were quickly sent back to the kitchen.

We have all been to a restaurant where something has arrived at our table only to discover that it was not properly cooked. Sometimes our steak is a little too well done or our food is cold and was not allowed to cook long enough. At other times, our order shows up and we are missing a side order or they forgot to substitute an item at our request. We have come to expect this sort of service at a drive thru, but certainly not at a nice restaurant where we pay a high price for our meal.

The waiter returned to our table and apologized for the incident. Apparently the chef inadvertently placed the dessert into a cooler that also contained some onions. The onions were so powerful that their odor and flavor infused itself into the Crème Brulee due to their proximity. The chef did not realize the onions were present or perhaps he would have perceived this undesired reaction and the whole situation would have been avoided. Suffice to say, the chef replaced the desserts and the rest of the meal was enjoyed immensely.

So, today, as I drove in my car, I began to meditate on the whole scenario. Here we have Crème Brulee, a dessert that I am sure is difficult to make. I do not know what all goes into making Crème Brulee but if it was simple they probably would not use the fancy French words when they put it on a menu. It was a costly dessert and I am sure the Chef took some pride in his version of it. However, the potency of the onion totally ruined his creation. Don’t get me wrong, I like onions and they certainly have their purpose, especially when they are slightly caramelized and placed over a nice steak. However, in this situation, the onion, doing nothing more than being what it was created to be, ruined the carefully prepared dessert. No one intended for the onion to be in the Crème Brulee and no one even anticipated the effect it might have just by being close.

Where am I going with this, you ask? Each one of us is created in the image and likeness of God. God takes great care in creating each and every one of us. God does not make mistakes in his creation. God did not make a mistake when He created the blind, the deaf, the lame, the leper, the child with a developmental disorder, etc. Each person is created with a purpose even though at times it may not be immediately apparent to us.

Like the Crème Brulee, each one of us consists of many ingredients that are put together in such a fashion that we have the potential to remain a wonderful creation. However, based on our environment and those who we keep close to us, the creation can be tarnished. We surround ourselves with the onions of our world everyday. These onions are things that may not be inherently bad, however, they have a negative effect on us and God did not intend them for the manner in which they are being used. Most of the time, we do not even perceive the effect they are having on us. However, the effect is strong and makes us something so undesirable that it runs the risk of being sent back. If left uncorrected and un-repaired, it certainly would not make it back to the table.

I wonder what God must say when we show Him what we have done with His creation. Today’s gospel and the words of our Lord perhaps give us some insight to what might be said, “Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I tell you, will attempt to enter
but will not be strong enough. After the master of the house has arisen and locked the door, then will you stand outside knocking and saying, ‘Lord, open the door for us.’
He will say to you in reply, ‘I do not know where you are from. And you will say, ‘We ate and drank in your company and you taught in our streets.’ Then he will say to you,
‘I do not know where you are from. Depart from me, all you evildoers!’”

We run the risk of allowing ourselves to become something so tarnished, something so far from what we were created to be, that God does not even recognize us. Perhaps God will realize that we were surrounded by too many onions in this world and did nothing about it. Perhaps God will realize that we were too hot or too cold. We have heard in Rev 3:16 “So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth.” These are strong words indeed, but should we expect anything less? After all, think of the price God paid for each and every one of us. Each of us was purchased with the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. That is a price that none of us could even begin to pay.

When I think about it in those terms, I take another look around the table of friends that were sitting with me. I thank God for each and every one of them because they are certainly not the onions in my life. In fact, they are the ones who inspire me to try to live my life as God created me to be.

However, each day we should ask ourselves, “What are we going to do with God’s creation and will it be fit for service at His table?”

Pax Tecum,

Tom

God is a friend of mine...literally!!

In reading the Bible, especially the Old Testament, we hear stories of the great prophets to whom God spoke directly and revealed His faith. We have heard the stories of the holy saints to whom Our Lady or Our Lord Jesus Christ has appeared. I do not doubt any of these occurrences, but there have been times in my life when I wondered if God ever spoke to me. I did not think that I could hear His voice. At times, I certainly could not see Him in my life and there were even times when I could not see Him in others.

After the death of my brother, I begged God to speak to me. I wanted to hear that booming voice in the clouds. If only God would tell me what He wanted me to do with my life, I would do as I was told. I wanted to be faithful. I thought that if I did everything right and according to His Word, my life would straighten out. I kept looking for that certified letter from God in the mail telling me what to do. The letter never came. I did not get a phone call. I did not get an email from Him. I certainly did not feel like my prayer to Him was “working.”

August 26, 2006, at approximately three in the morning, I got a page on my work pager that would change my life and the lives of several others. I was called out as the on-call investigator for a train accident. I will not go into the details of the accident out of respect for those involved, but I will say that it was one of the most difficult and heart wrenching things I have ever seen. I had the unfortunate task of listening to the friends of the young man who was killed in the accident as they recounted the accident. I had the responsibility of notifying the young man’s family. The circumstances in which the parents were notified were less than ideal and I did not feel good about it, but it was the best I could do. Having made that type of call many years before when my father passed and having received the call just three months prior after my brother was killed in an accident, I did not want to tell a father that his son was not coming home.

Slowly the accident and other events in my life were eating away at me from the inside out. I was not dealing with them well and I gradually started to break down. On Sunday, September 3^rd I went to mass. I struggled through most of mass and was hurting. I walked out of mass and my priest could see it on my face as he asked, “Are you okay?” I told him the truth and I said, “No.” He asked if I wanted to talk and I said, “No offense Father, but not with you. I need to talk to Him,” and I pointed to the adoration chapel. I went into the chapel, hit my knees, and begged God to carry my cross for me. I asked Him to ease the pain and to let me know that everything would be okay. I left the chapel feeling as though God must not have heard me because I certainly could not hear Him.

The next day was Labor Day and I was off of work. I was sitting on the couch when my cell phone rang. I did not recognize the number on the caller ID. I listened to the voicemail later and it was the father of the young man who was killed in the train accident. Just over one week ago, his son was killed in an accident, and yet, he took the time to call me and thank me for what I had done. He thanked me for dealing with the situation in a compassionate and professional manner. I could not believe that a man in his situation would even give a person like me, a near stranger, a second thought. It was at that moment that I realized I heard God’s voice. I cried when I realized that God was answering my prayer through a person I had never met face to face. I had heard God’s voice and it renewed my faith that I thought had been all but lost.

Throughout the last year of my life, there has been one constant source of encouragement. After my brother’s death I learned that his favorite verse in scripture was Romans 8:28:

“We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”

As I went through the struggles of this past year I would constantly remind myself of this verse. Gradually, I came to believe in the verse which is definitively different than being able to recite it. At some point, I started passing the verse on to others when they were worried or anxious about the future.

As the year went on and the first anniversary of my brother’s death came and went, I began to face fewer and fewer struggles and difficult times. The good times and grace filled moments began to outnumber the difficult times. I began to be happy again. I had found joy in the simplest parts of life. My prayer life took on a life of its own and God did many wonderful things in my heart. There are a few people, some who are reading this now, that were with me along the journey and I thank them for their encouragement and love.

This past week I was blessed more than I could ever deserve. I was offered a full time position in service to my church. When I was first approached with the opportunity, I quickly dismissed it and thought it to be impossible. I rejected the idea. Slowly I realized that it was God calling me to service and I did not have a good reason for saying, “no.” I accepted the position and will start my new job soon. Despite the amazing opportunity I did have some angst, worry, and uncertainty about my future. In my prayer I asked God if I was doing the right thing. I told Him that I trusted in Him and would work hard at being faithful to Him. I was not waiting for an answer nor was I really expecting one.

This morning, after being out of the office for a brief time, I returned to my desk and saw an email from a guy who used to be a co-worker of mine. This co-worker left our place of work to take another job in Houston, TX. He sent me an email to tell me that he heard I was leaving my job to work for my church. He told me that he was excited that I was following God’s call in my life. He then went on to ask me if I knew what was in store for my future and then went on to say the following:

“Whatever it is, this scripture came to mind from Romans 8: And we know that in all things God works for good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

My eyes welled up with tears and I ran to show a few of my friends the email. I had never told this friend of mine what Romans 8:28 meant to me. I had not told too many people my new found appreciation for the verse. This person in particular had no other reason to pass that verse on to me other than giving way to God’s voice. Was it a coincidence? I think not. Was it God’s providence? You cannot convince me otherwise.

If ever you cannot hear God’s voice, if ever you doubt that He answers our prayers, just listen to what it is that others are saying to you. God waits for those moments when we take our hands off our ears and listen to His gentle whispers that go straight to our hearts from the mouths of our friends.

It wasn't just my ears that God had fixed so that I could hear Him. After putting a little mud in my eyes, He cured my blindness and allowed me to see Him in those around me. As I sat at dinner tonight with a group of friends that I have grown to love, I realized that God does not always need to send an email or pick up a phone to tell us that He loves us. As I looked around the table, it was the little things that reminded me of God’s love. The love of a husband for his wife of many years, the concern of a woman who makes God and service to her church a priority, the loving heart of a priest and a deacon who take time out of their busy schedules to be with their people, and the laughter and fellowship of a friend who has been there every step of the way this past year, were all I needed to remember that God is love and He is present in those closest to me.

I thank God for the ability to not only hear His voice as He speaks to me, but the ability to see His face in those sitting around the table with me. After much reflection, I have come to a fairly significant conclusion: God is a friend of mine….literally!

Deus Caritas Est,

Tom

The Joy of the Journey

I remember as a child, whenever my family would prepare to go on a family vacation, my mother would clean the house from top to bottom. I always asked mom why she made such a fuss about the house being clean when no one was even going to be there to see it. At first I thought that maybe it was because she wanted one less thing to worry about when she got back. I think another part of it was, that if something happened to us, God forbid, a relative would not come in to find our house in disarray.

As I got older and able to drive, I realized that I loved to take road trips in my car. I would always make sure that the oil had been changed recently, the gas tank was full, my course was carefully mapped out so as to make perfect time, and the right CD’s were selected and just an arm’s reach away. I was very methodical and planned for almost every occasion.

Just a few weeks ago I took a trip to visit a friend of mine who lives in Banquete, TX. The drive is approximately four and a half hours. As I was leaving College Station, I was focused on taking the right roads and making good time. I had never been to Banquete so I was worried about whether I would be able to find my way. A friend of mine told me about one of the old painted Catholic churches that is located in High Hill near Schulenburg, TX. I was told that I had to stop and visit to see the beauty of the church. As I drove through Schulenburg I looked desperately for the sign that told me where to turn to go to High Hill. For one reason or another, I missed the sign telling me where to turn. I realized that I was excited about my time in Banquete. I was focusing on the things that I was going to do and the conversations that I was going to have. I was focused on my destination.

I had a wonderful time in Banquete. I drove back to College Station completely relaxed and ready to face the challenges that awaited me when I returned home. I noticed things along the drive that I had not noticed the first time. As I passed through Schulenburg, my attention was directed towards a sign on the side of the road. Lo and behold, there was a sign for St. Mary’s Church in High Hill. I applied the brakes a little too rapidly for the current conditions and did not take into account the swiftness of the oncoming traffic but by God’s grace alone, I made the turn without injury.

I was rewarded for my faithfulness in following the sign. I do not think that my words will adequately express the beauty of this church. I fully expected to find the church locked up tight at 6:30pm on a Sunday night, but I found the front doors open. I walked into the Church and I felt my breath taken from me instantly. The beauty was overwhelming. I walked up towards the front of the church and cautiously took my place in a pew. I began to recite Evening Prayer which is something I was recently taught how to do. I was looking up at a statue of Mary which is at one of the highest points above the altar. As I began to pray the Magnificat, I experienced a feeling that I had not felt before. It felt similar to the feeling when you get a chill or find yourself getting goose bumps, however, it lasted the entire time I prayed our Blessed Mother’s prayer. I was struck dumb and filled with joy at the same time. I got up and left the church and drove the next fifty miles with the widest eyes you have ever seen. It was truly a wonderful and grace filled moment.

After reading all of that you are probably wondering what my point in telling the story is. By now, if you have been reading my blog you will know that while the following point I have to make is simple and easy to grasp, it will take many words to convey it.

Life is a journey. This is a metaphor that we have all heard and sometimes take for granted. Hopefully, all of us have the goal of being faithful to God and obtaining eternal salvation in Heaven. The destination for all of us is clearly defined. However, there are many different routes that we can take and sometimes the routes we plan do not always work out.

Knowing that we are about to embark on a journey, we prepare ourselves. We educate ourselves in our faith. We learn many lessons in life that allow us to obtain the physical goods necessary for the journey. We try to maintain good health. We want to make sure that our bodies will stand up to the rigors of the journey we call life. However, at times, we spend so much time in preparation that we lose sight of the journey itself. In today’s times many of us have said that we are too busy to get more involved in church. We are too busy to spend quality time with our family. We are too busy to take a vacation, too busy to get a good night’s sleep, to read the Bible, or too busy to exercise. We are so busy planning for the journey of life and making sure that we have the physical objects we think we need as sustenance that we get hypnotized by the road ahead and miss what we are passing by.

Once we do finally embark on the journey, some of us are too focused on the destination to enjoy the path we take. That or we are so convinced that we know the path we need to take, that when a detour is put in our path, we completely give up and lose our way. Sometimes despite the warning signs of fatigue, illness, depression, or physical pain we continue on our path instead of listening to the signs that tell us to take a different direction. We know the path that we are on is not good for us but we put our nose to the ground and push forward. We do this because we believe that we know the way and if we try hard enough we can get where we are going without asking directions. When things are bad we push forward because we believe that there is something greater and better waiting for us once we finally reach our destination.

The journey need not be overly difficult. God does not expect us to know everything that lays ahead of us on the road to salvation. Our Lord Jesus does not expect us to know the way that is why He tells us, “Come, follow me.” He is the way, the truth, and the life.

God does not ask us to plan for five days from now, five years for now, or even fifty years from now. God does not want us to live for the future. He wants us to live for today. How many times have you told yourself, if only I can get through tomorrow things will get better. Eventually you tell yourself, if only I can get through next week or next month, everything will be better. In the process of waiting for something better we miss what we already have. A good and very holy priest recently said in a homily, “we should not pray for the things that we want, we should pray that we want the things that we already have.” God does not want us to live for the future. He wants us to live for today.

Occasionally when we are headed down the wrong path in life, God will let us know. Like the good Father, or the gentle shepherd, He will seek us out and guide us back to the flock. Sometimes the roadblock is a gentle suggestion of conscience to change our path. Other times, the road in front of us completely disappears until we decide to turn to God and ask Him to show us the way.

What about the destination? Are any of us sure where we are truly headed? Is the love and glory of God our Father something distant and far off? Four weeks ago we heard the answer from the book of Deuteronomy, “This commandment that I command you is not too hard for you; neither is it far off. It is not in heaven that you should say, ‘Who will go up for us to heaven, and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us, and bring it to us, that we may hear and do it?’ But the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart, that you can do it”

Knowing that, we need not look for God in far off places. He is in our heart. We have Him now. We need not worry about where we are going so long as God is in our hearts and leading the way.

In my own life I have learned that God sometimes leads you in a direction that you never think you would have gone on your own. In fact, sometimes He leads you down a road that you do not think your are equipped to deal with or qualified for, but in the end, you realize that by doing your best to be faithful to Him and paying attention to the direction in which He leads you, you finally start to notice the beauty of the journey itself.

So, my advice to everyone including myself is to slow down, turn off the radio of life, roll down the windows, take in the fresh air, and enjoy the ride with God at your side and let Him lead the way.

Pax Tecum,

Tom