This is me...

Most of the posts on here have stemmed from various connections that I have made between the everyday parts of life and scripture. I often speak in metaphors and clichés to illustrate a point that was made for me. Tonight is different. Tonight, I am going to take a risk. Tonight I am just going to tell you about me. I am going to tell you what is going on in my life and how it makes me feel. More than likely it will not apply to your situation in life and it may not provide any great inspiration, but I feel the need to share it. There are some who will read this who I have no problem being vulnerable in front of and others who will simply laugh and call me weak. All I can say is that I am human and this is me:

I took off work today from my job at the police department (for some reason I think that is the first time where I have actually said where I work) and worked at my new job with the church. I had several meetings throughout the day and began to list all of the many things I wanted to accomplish in my new position. I realized that some of them will be accomplished with ease while others would require quite a bit of assistance. Overall, I was excited about the possibilities and looking forward to my new job. I looked forward to the opportunity to serve God through serving others on a full time basis.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about my feelings as I make the transition from one job to the other. The transition has been anything but easy. When I learned that I had been offered the position at the church, I was filled with joy. I have known for some time now that my heart was not in my job as a police officer anymore. For various reasons, I grew away from that job and there were parts of it that were difficult to cope with. I realized that the job was changing who I was. I was becoming a person I did not respect. I was becoming a person that I could not live with. I certainly was not showing Christ to others by the way I lived. I did not set an example as a man of integrity, virtue, patience, and respect. I lost my cool numerous times, I pointed out the faults in others, I disrespected my supervisors (albeit sometimes they were flat out wrong in their actions), and I had stopped smiling at work. The job had become the onion to my Crème Brulee (see previous post).

I do not blame the job. I do not hold any resentment towards anyone at the job. I treasure my time at the police department. I value the relationships that I have made. There are people at that department that started the same day I did and I thought I would be there when they finished. I have family at the department. Being a cop is not a job that you do, it is who you are, a part of you at least. Part of me wishes that my heart had not changed and that I could still be happy in doing the job. Part of me wishes that the circumstances of my life had not changed.

I was working the hospital in uniform this past weekend for the last time. I got really sad. When I am in uniform I feel like a cop the most. I remembered all of the good times that I had a few years ago when I was working a beat on patrol alongside my best friend. I remember the fights we got into with bad guys. I remember the bad guys we took off the streets. I remember riding down the street in my best friend’s jeep at three in the morning listening to Windfall by Son Volt on the radio as we headed to the police department to do the arrest reports for two coin machine burglars that we had just caught while off duty at his apartment. I remember the time the two of us got locked into a pool at an apartment complex and debated as to whether we would call for help or climb the tall iron fence with points at the top of it and risk goring ourselves. I realized then that I still love police work. Then I realized that those were times that I left behind two years ago and not things that I was walking away from this week.

Tonight I had dinner with the friend and his wife. The two of them are about to have their first child in a few weeks. My friend and I talked about where we had been, what we had done, where we are now, and where we may be going in life. I realized then that he is no longer the same person as he was during those times mentioned above. The circumstances of his life have changed dramatically and he has changed along with them for the better. I can only hope that I adjust as well as he has. It has been fun watching him on his journey through life the past few years.

I realized tonight that it is okay to feel sad about leaving the department. It does not mean I made a mistake in doing so. I firmly believe that God is calling me in a different direction and I am doing my best to align my will with His. Even though the separation is painful, I feel I must go. I hope the people at the department understand. I hope they know that I am leaving what is comfortable, financially secure, and familiar in search of who it is that God wants me to be. In a lot of ways I am leaving my family for the past seven years. Just like any cop, I tend to want to plan my approach in life and gain as much intel as I can before I act. This time I am going in on faith alone.

As for the people at the church, I hope they realize that it is not easy to leave this career behind. The people I work with at the police department are some of the most dedicated servants in this community. Each one of us is flawed in some way but the truth of the matter is, the police officers lay their lives down on the line for their friends everyday and man hath no greater love.

I realize now that the past year is not something to regret or to run away from in a bitter manner. This past year God has worked me over with a coarse grain of sandpaper and has shaped me into a better person. At times he used a pick axe and it hurt quite a bit, but I like what He has done. I am excited about the work He has left to do. I realize now that some of the events of this past year were the road signs that I talked about in the Joy of the Journey post. I think it just took me up until now to have enough courage to turn when God said turn.

So bear with me as I go through these next few days of transition. They will not be easy. Saying goodbye is always hard. I feel like I have already had to do it too many times, but I know there will be more. I ask for your support. I ask for your patience and I ask for your prayers. After all, this is me….

Pax Tecum,

Tom