To say that this past week has been difficult would be an understatement. However, the pain and suffering of the last week is best described as growing pains. After listening to Most Reverend Gregory Aymond saying to three men who were about to be ordained to the priesthood, “It’s not about you,” I vowed to work harder at living my life that was less about me and more about Christ.
Immediately upon making this vow, I started to fail miserably in accomplishing my task. It started Sunday morning. Throughout the morning I had difficulty trusting in God. I was overcome with worry about my future and what God had planned for me. I felt uneasy as I knew I had talked about trusting in the Lord, but could not follow my own advice.
Something happens to me when I go to work. I don’t think some people would recognize the person I was this week. Fueled by stress, a lack of sleep, poor diet, and a failure to attend mass daily, I started on a downward spiral. I won’t go into all of the issues at work because they are unimportant to the point I am trying to make. I was consumed by things that I did not think were right. I was overly concerned with what others were and were not doing. I pointed out all the faults and injustices that I perceived to be happening. I was disrespectful, disobedient, uncharitable, and an all around grouch. I blamed the job. I blamed the people. I blamed my unhappiness on everything and everyone other than the true source. I failed to recognize that the problem was me.
This life is not all about me. That is a given, However, I think that Bishop Aymond could have followed up his line with, “but it starts with you.” Instead of worrying about how others are living their lives and how other people’s choices affect you, you should examine your own actions and thoughts to see how well you are living a life of true discipleship. Archbishop Timothy Dolan, in one of his books, is quoted as saying, “the starting point of spiritual growth, the first step in true discipleship, is humble recognition of a profound gratitude for God’s love for us.”
As I left the office on Wednesday I came to a sudden realization that I was in danger. I was in danger of being consumed completely and totally by anger, resentment, jealousy, and self-loathing. It was clearly an attack on the soul. I went to mass and knew that I was in no condition to receive Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. The fact that I was not able to receive the healing power of Our Lord at that moment when I needed it most was a wake-up call. I left mass having resigned my self to rectify the situation. I went to confession Wednesday night and made probably one of my most sincere, heartfelt, and healing confessions.
It was through prayer and the sacraments that I realized that my unhappiness was my own fault. I was allowing myself to be consumed with how others were living their lives. I was judging others by a standard that I, myself, was not living up to. I was looking for reasons to be upset and was taking things too seriously. This weekend I came across a quote from Edward Benson that spoke to me, “How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself! It is so much easier to be honest about the foibles of others!”
This week, while difficult, has been one filled with grace as well. This week has taught me that while I am growing in my faith, I still have a lot of maturing and growing to do. St. Francis de Sales has the best advice for us when he says, “Be patient with everyone, but above all with yourself. I mean, do not be disturbed with your imperfections, and always rise up bravely from a fall.” There will be times in our lives when all of us fall. Jesus fell three times due to the weight of his cross. How many more times, in our weakness and humanity, will we fall than God Himself? The fall itself is not as important as whether or not you rise up from that fall and grow as a result of it.
I thank God for the gift of this week. Even though I am tired and not happy with how I behaved this week, I am thankful that our Lord forgives us for our faults and our weaknesses. It is in our weakness that we grow closer to God. He does not give us more than we can handle. God has given us the freedom to choose what type of life we will lead. We can choose to be consumed by the things of this world, by pettiness, by judging others, by anger, by resentment, or we can choose to humble ourselves, turn inward to find Christ’s love, and then radiate that love outward to others. To steal a line from a good and faithful priest, “the choice is yours….choose well.”
Pax Tecum,
Tom
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