Why am I doing this?

There have been plenty of times in my brief time in seminary that I have asked myself this question. Sometimes it is difficult to see how my activity is directed towards any sort of end or goal (this is of course not a problem if you deny we are a teleological people). The most recent example of this came this past weekend as I spent three hours in the rectory of my home parish studying Ancient Greek Philosophy in preparation for writing a five page paper (which is extremely short in length). Admittedly I am not the most efficient studier and tend to do much more work than necessary. This often leads me to get frustrated and ask myself again, “why am I doing this [studying, seminary, etc].”

I ask myself this question most often when I am tired, stressed, worried, frustrated, struggling, or suffering in some way. For some reason, my struggling, suffering, etc., does not seem to be necessary in achieving my goal. As a means to avoid putting myself in a situation where the question may loom over me like a dark cloud, I try to get to bed earlier, take more time to relax, go for a walk, and perhaps the most effective of all, I spend time in front of the tabernacle talking to God about it all.

God’s answers are rarely given on my time table or in the manner in which I look for them, but when they do come, they are quite clear. Recently God has reminded me several times why I am in seminary and doing all the things that goes along with it. Last week I had the opportunity to work with a good friend who is a Director of Youth Ministry here in Irving. We put on a skit for the teens that we had previously done in College Station. The skit was well received and I was able to talk with the teens about the gift of Faith and our act of Faith as a response to that gift. The talk went well and I could tell that the words were not my own but were also born of the many past experiences when I was probably asking myself, “why am I doing this?” It was a great night and very consoling to feel that God may have used me to bring about some good in someone else’s life.

God also answers my questions every time I am able to come home and spend time in my parish community. I love being in any parish, but especially my parish in College Station. I love that people are willing to share their joys, struggles, questions, doubts, convictions, hopes, and dreams with me. I love that people are willing to share their lives with me in that way. I love being able to walk around and visit with the many different families and ask how things are going. I love being able to serve Mass with those same people and to see the expression of God’s love both on the altar and in the pews. I love being able to spend time with my best friend and watch him play with his little girl. I love the many ways in which God gives us the gift of his love.

Now please don’t think that I have turned into some overly optimistic warm and fuzzy do-gooder (said with a smile). We all know that while the birds may be singing outside my room this morning, if they stay too long I will show them where the St. Francis bird bath is far away from my room and out of earshot. I simply want to share with you all that for every time that I have asked myself the question that I have chosen for the title of this post, God uses all of you and the people around me to give an answer. For that, whether your response is intended or not, I say thank you.

Pax Tecum,
Tom

P.S. Just as a side note, you know you are old when the challenge becomes not how late can you stay up but how early can you go to bed. Last night, I won!