I'm leavin on a jet plane...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost (1874-1963)

I doubt that any of us are strangers to this classical poem. We have heard it many times growing up. It has become a classic because virtually every reader can relate to the experience of being at a crossroads in life. The poem meant something for me in middle school when I first read it. It took on more meaning in high school as I struggled to decide what university I would attend. Again, the poem meant something different as I wrestled with the idea of either going to medical school or fulfilling my dream and becoming a police officer. I admit the poem wasn’t exactly on my mind as I struggled with the decisions: to leave the criminal investigation division to go back to patrol, to leave the police department, to begin working for the Church, to leave my comfortable life for seminary, to accept or reject certain offers on my house that remained on the market for fifteen months.

No, I can’t say that I always referred to classical poetry when I made a decision. As I grew older I began to learn methods of discernment and how to bring my major decisions before God in prayer. I learned to wrestle with my decisions until I reached a sense of peace that my course of action was in line with God’s will. As much as I have grown in my discernment abilities, there have been, and still are times, when I simply pick a path and get to walking. As I walk down the strange and unfamiliar path I sometimes second-guess myself. I begin to worry. I realize that this path is overgrown (lack of travelers) and at times the path is full of thorns and thickets that scratch and cut as you walk through them. Sometimes the path less traveled is not to be glorified as the path of an independent thinker who is willing to be counter-cultural and has a great sense of adventure as Frost describes in his poem.

More often than not, when I find myself on an unfamiliar path these days, I am reminded of something that I learned in my philosophy studies. In his work De Caelo (On Heaven) (I,5), Aristotle states, “The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold.” Less you panic because I am quoting a pagan philosopher, I offer you St. Thomas Aquinas’ version in De Ente et Essentia (On Being and Essence), as he states “a little error in the beginning leads to a great one in the end.” While these two quotes have all sorts of implications for our need to properly form our moral consciences and seek out Truth in all that we do, I will try to restrict their implications to the discussion at hand. With both of these quotes in mind, how does Frost even begin to take a single step down one of the two paths? What if he is wrong? What then? What if he does not realize the small mistake he made in the beginning that leads him to a great error in the end? What if the decision he is making ruins the rest of his life? What if the decision he makes in not God’s will?

Can you hear the fear in these questions? Can you hear the lack of trust in the providence of God? Let me very reverently say that I not only hear them, but I have felt them. Less you be quick to judge me, I think I can safely say that we all have. It doesn’t make us unfaithful Christians. It makes us human. So, how then do we ever make some of those life changing decisions, big and small, with some sort of confidence? I offer you the following analogy that was partially given to me by my spiritual director this past summer. I have added to it and have made it my own but I simply trimmed back the branches. The planted seed came from him:

Have you ever been sitting on a plane prior to leaving the gate and looked out the window? There are all sorts of people in jump suits that are working frantically at their various tasks in order to prepare the plane for its flight. Some are providing the fuel. Others are loading food and beverages. Still others are loading baggage onto the plane. Amidst all these people who complete their jobs with such ease that you know it has become routine for them, there is one man or woman who walks among them that sticks out like a sore thumb. The man (I am going to use the masculine gender from here on for ease of writing. I do not mean to exclude females from this position) is wearing a starched white shirt and a tie. He carefully walks around the plane somewhat oblivious to those around him. He checks out every piece of the plane to make sure that all is in proper working condition and the plane is ready to fly. He may pull on the wing, wiggle the flaps, or kick the tires. He goes through a checklist that is by no means routine. He makes sure that everything is where it is supposed to be or else the plane never leaves the ground. There is nothing that will cause this man to skip parts of his list and assume that all is okay. He is diligent in his efforts because he knows that “a little error in the beginning leads to a great one in the end.”

By now you have probably assumed that I am talking about the pilot of the plane. While that assumption will work, I am actually talking about the co-pilot. Usually, it is the co-pilot who does the walk around. The point of the analogy is that the co-pilot always makes sure that things are in order before the plane takes off. If he finds a problem, he calls someone else who is more qualified to fix it. If he doesn’t find a problem, he tells the pilot it is time for both of them to fly the plane together. Now, for the sake of the analogy put yourself in the role of the co-pilot. The decision to fly is any one of the minor or major decisions that you are faced with in your everyday life. Let’s fill in the rest of the roles to wrap this up.

We all know what the baggage is that has been loaded onto our plane for us to carry. Sometimes the bags that have been checked are our own and we have put them ourselves. Other times the bags belong to someone else and yet we are still asked to carry them. So far I have not yet mentioned the passengers although they play an important role. We all have passengers in our lives that fly with us. They may be friends, family, parishioners, or complete strangers. The point is, that as the co-pilot, we make our decisions the best we can based upon our assessment of the situation. Our assessment is informed, however, by our education, past experience, and prayer. We realize that we are under the guidance and teaching of the pilot (perhaps God, perhaps our priest), we fly the plane. Notice that I did not say anything about the emotional condition of the passengers. Sure there are some on the plane that are afraid to fly. There are some on the plane who become anxious at the slightest bit of turbulence. There are some who question your ability to spot a problem with the plane’s mechanics. There are some who will complain not matter how smooth the flight is. There are some who fail to pay attention to the many signs that tell them prior to getting on the plane where the flight is headed and yet they get on the plane thinking that they can insist upon it going to some other place. There are those who sit in first class and others that sit in coach. However the safe arrival of all of them is equally our concern. There are even some who may have intentions of bringing the plane down altogether. However, and most importantly, there are those who walk by the cockpit after the plane has landed, smile, and say, “Thanks for the nice flight. I look forward to flying with you again.”

One more thing, the co-pilot doesn’t fly alone. Not only does he fly with someone in the left-hand seat, but he consults his charts (Scripture), air-traffic controllers and ground handlers (Spiritual Directors and wise friends), weather reports (let’s hope he has a better weatherman than we do), but perhaps most importantly, the experience of the pilots and co-pilots who have gone before him on other flights. While sometimes we may choose the path less traveled, it is important to listen to those who have gone down the path before. They make us aware of cross winds, weather systems in our path, wind shear, etc. Some of those people may just be other pilots who are now your passengers. Listen to them. Take their guidance, but in the end, the decision is yours. You must choose to fly the plane. You must trust your walk-around of the situation and fly to the best of your abilities. There comes a time when you close the cockpit door so that you can concentrate on flying the plane. But remember, that door has to open again at some point and you will have to face your passengers. My point is, you can’t let their anxiety keep you from flying the plane or else no one ever moves. You have to choose: fly or don’t fly. As a wise man and a dear loved one used to say, “The choice is yours, choose well.”

As for me:

All my bags are packed. I’m ready to go.
I’m standin’ here outside your door…

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go….

Sing it with me!

Pax tecum,
Tom

My Kind of Friday

Oh my how life has changed! First of all I apologize for not posting last week. I am still getting settled into life at St. Mary’s. The hockey analogy still applies but progress is being made. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with the schedule and am developing a routine. However, one of the main goals of seminary formation is to help you become more flexible with your time. With that in mind there have been several last minute schedule changes and unanticipated interruptions. I am slowly learning to take these interruptions in stride. In addition to learning to be flexible, I am learning to find those quiet moments that are few and far between and take good advantage of them. Tonight is one of those times.

As I write this entry I am sitting at my desk in my room on a Friday evening. I began my day at 7am with Mass and Morning Prayer followed by breakfast. I then gathered with the guys on my floor for group formation class. This class is where we spend time with our priest-formation advisor discussing various aspects of priesthood. Primarily we talk about the human formation aspects in terms of time management, developing a healthy prayer life, proper recreation, and how to take care of ourselves in general. The second hour of the class was spent practicing proclaiming the Word of God and singing. Yep, I had to get up on stage in front of my classmates and sing a cappella. Let’s just say it is a humbling experience and I have much work to do in terms of training my voice. If you know of a good voice coach let me know. I really would rather not inflict my voice in its current state on the people of God. We all have enough to deal with already.

After formation we had a rector’s conference. This is where the Rector speaks to the entire community about various issues. He gives us updates about the seminary in general and then gives us a little “pep-talk.” Today, he spoke to us about spending time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament and developing a strong devotion to the Eucharist.

The afternoon was spent doing what we call “Work Order.” This is a time when all the seminarians break into different groups in order to clean and maintain the campus. For me this meant cleaning a set of toilets and showers on one floor and vacuuming a hallway. I did not mind doing the work because I appreciate a clean bathroom as much as the next guy. Thankfully, it was much better than my experience of emptying Port-a-Potties when I was fifteen!

After work order, I went to the gym in order to work out. Due to changes in the schedule I have not been able to exercise all that much this week. It felt great to work out. I treated myself to Subway for an early dinner. For those of you that don’t know I am probably a bigger Subway fan than their spokesman Jared. I could eat the same sandwich everyday and not get tired. I had a minor setback with the weight-loss this past weekend but am still at minus 35 pounds since January. Keep your prayers coming.

Following dinner, I returned to the seminary and spent an hour with Jesus in one of our small chapels. I really enjoyed my time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. It was a great way to bring my day and my week to a close. Spending that time in prayer reminded me of my post a few weeks ago on developing a palate of prayer. So, strictly as part of my spiritual formation, I returned to my room and poured myself a glass of wine. It is my first glass of the year and I am enjoying it quite a bit (don’t worry…one is all I will have). I am listening to Stan Getz (Jazz) and writing to you.

If you would have told me several years ago that this is how I would choose to spend a Friday night I probably would have laughed at you. And yet, I find myself to be relaxed, content, and I dare say happy. I am immensely grateful that God has brought me to this point in my life. While I am excited to see what else He has in store, for tonight, I am going to sit and enjoy what He has already given me. I invite you to do the same.

I am taking tomorrow off. That means no school work, no laundry, and anything else that I would typically consider “productive.” To some of you, that does not seem like much of a break through, but for some of you who know me, you know that it is a big step. I can only take these steps in formation with the grace I receive from your prayers. So, if I have not said it in a while, thank you (as I raise my glass in a toast). Please continue to pray for me and my brother seminarians. Rest assured, you remain in our prayers.

Pax Tecum,
Tom

Learning to Skate on Ice...

I have received several calls, emails, inquiries, etc. this past week from various friends and family asking me how my first week here at St. Mary’s went. To be honest, I find myself having difficulty finding the words to express exactly what I am feeling throughout the first week. I can tell you that my schedule seems to be a lot busier than it was at Holy Trinity. That is due in part to the fact that I am taking more classes (seventeen hours instead of nine or twelve). I have also been more faithful to keeping a daily holy hour and getting regular exercise. While this tends to cut down on the amount of free time that I have, I find that they are essential to keeping a balance throughout the week. As usual, I will try to use an analogy to describe the situation.

Growing up in the South, I did not play a lot of hockey. It’s just not a sport that is too popular in our part of the country. The only real exposure I have had to hockey has been learning how to play the sport during PE classes in elementary school. We learned to play the game in a gym with a puck or a tennis ball. We learned the rules of the game and eventually got pretty good at it. We thought we knew how to play hockey. At least, we were comfortable with how we learned to play the game.

Then one day someone comes along and invites us to play ice hockey. We think we know how to play hockey so we say ‘yes’ without giving it much thought. After all, we have been playing hockey for some time and we are pretty sure that we know the rules. How big of an adjustment could it actually be to play on ice? For those of you aren’t laughing in anticipation of what is coming next, hurry up and catch up with the rest of us.

It should not be too hard to picture a group of guys who have never ice skated before stepping on the ice for the first time. This is why Freshmen in high school, rookie police officers, and first year Theologians are such an inexhaustible source of humor for those around them. Forget playing hockey, we are just trying to stay upright. There is no concept of working together as a team in order to play the game. Instead, we are all just trying to learn how to stay on our feet and are beginning to think about skating. There is hope though in the sense that we know over time we will become more comfortable on skates and will then be able to play the game in the same way as we did previously. Eventually we will be like the ‘Mighty Ducks’ in the 1992 film with Emilio Estevez. We will learn to fly together in the ‘Flying V’ and will be able to take on whatever competition comes our way. If it helps those of you who are a little bit…ehemm…wiser get the analogy I will point you to the movie Miracle on Ice which tells the story of the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey team.

I have figured out that the best way to avoid injury during this time of learning how to skate is to slow down and stand still from time to time. The time I spend in silent adoration or prayer with the person of Jesus Christ is essential to attaining that sense of peace. Ice skating is always easier when you have the hand of a more experienced skater to hold onto. It is during that time of prayer that God gives me His assurances that He is with me and will teach me the Way to skate. He will show me that the discomfort, the lack of surety, the stress, the anxiety, the frustration that I sometimes feel are nothing more than growing pains. Better yet, He will remind me that what I am feeling are the birth pangs of a new creation. Like Jerusalem and the life of the first century Jews after the time of Christ, I am experiencing the death of an old way of life as I rise with Christ as a new creation.

I don’t think that I am too far off in saying that there are others who feel this same way. Perhaps you have recently started a new job. Perhaps you are doing the same job but from a different perspective. Perhaps you are an experienced parent who is now learning how to raise a teenager or young adult. Perhaps you are someone who is working with a new co-worker, staff, or boss. Perhaps you are adjusting to life without one of your loved ones. Perhaps you are looking at some other major transition in your life. Whatever it is in your life that has you moving from a gym floor to ice, know that God is with you and that He will take you by the hand and teach you the Way to skate. However, it means that we must slow down, humble ourselves, take His hand, and let Him lead us.

Please continue to pray for me and my brother seminarians as we discern God’s will for our lives. Please know that I keep all of you in my prayers as well.

Pax tecum,
Tom

Settling into Seminary...again.

Sorry folks for the delay in posting. My goal for this semester is to post at least once a week (ideally on Saturdays). The goal of the blog when it was created was simply to share a few of my thoughts as I journey closer to the Lord. It has expanded somewhat over the years to also be a means of allowing others to walk with me as I discern God’s will for my life in seminary. I welcome the newcomers who are now walking with us. I appreciate the comments that have been left. I do read them and I make sure to follow up on prayer intentions that are left as well.

It has been eight days since I have moved into my room at St. Mary’s Seminary in Houston, TX. The nineteen new men (including myself) arrived last Saturday. I admit that some of us paused for a second when we saw the size of our rooms. The Lord is definitely inviting me to live a life of greater simplicity. As I settled into my room I have found that it is actually large enough for what I need and is slowly starting to feel like home.

We have spent the week getting to know one another, praying together, registering for classes, buying our books, and attending various meetings. Orientation at seminary is much like the first week on a college campus (minus the debauchery of course!). We had our first public Mass today and it was great to have a few visitors. I want you all to know that you are welcome to join us for Sunday Mass at 9:30 AM almost every week that we are here. If you leave me a comment or shoot me an email a week or two before you plan on coming I will be happy to arrange to meet you and give you a tour of the seminary after Mass. Perhaps you could invite along someone who you think God may be calling to the priesthood. We have plenty of rooms available! (Shameless plug)

Just to give you an idea of the current state of vocations in central Texas, we have approximately eighty-two total seminarians here at St. Mary’s. I believe eleven different dioceses and two or three religious orders are represented. The Diocese of Austin, for which I am studying, has forty-six seminarians total. Twenty-nine of those seminarians are studying here at St. Mary’s. The Theology I class, to which I belong, here at St. Mary’s has twenty-two students, twelve of which are from Austin. So, God willing, in five years, we may have an ordination class of twelve men. Keep praying for us! It is certainly the prayers of those who support us that allow us to hear the call in the first place and to respond with a generous heart.

I must admit that I am looking forward to classes beginning tomorrow. I know that I might be singing a different tune in a few weeks, but for now, I am ready to get back at it. I have finished all of my philosophy studies and will now be studying theology for the next 4-5 years. Currently I am registered for 19 credit hours this semester. The classes I am taking are: Mark and Method, Introduction to Greek I, Introduction to Theological Studies, Pentateuch, Public Rhetoric, Introduction to Liturgy, and Church History I. I will certainly need your prayers this semester.

On a more personal note I want to share a small success story with you. Please admit me a moment to be a little proud. I share it as a means of encouragement for others and also to say thank you to those who have supported me in my efforts. Since January I have been focusing on my physical health and working on losing weight. I have lost a total of thirty-four pounds. I had a great time taking my suit in to have it altered (smaller this time!). My goal is to lose about a pound a week until I lose another 50 pounds or so. It seems like a lot right now but I am taking it slow. It is amazing how much impact prayer can have on your ability to adhere to changes in diet and exercise. I recently received a gym membership as a gift and am looking forward to beginning my exercise routine this week. So, as you can see, life in the seminary and discerning priesthood really is an effort to become holy as well as “whol-e.” It involves a four pronged approach to wellness: body, mind, and spirit. Will you join me in this effort in your own lives?

Again, thank you for all of your prayers and support. I will try to post some pictures of the seminary campus soon. It is absolutely beautiful despite the miserable Houston weather. Until then, let us keep one another in prayer.

Pax Tecum,
Tom